Perspective

I read this morning about a family I don't even know who is going thru the most tremendous loss.  This family lost their 8 month old son after finding out he had a brain tumor less than a month ago.

I'm reading the words written by his parents and am humbled by the strength, faith and perspective they have found while dealing with the most difficult thing that I can imagine.  I can barely see my computer screen as I wipe the tears away and can barely see my sweet angel who is only half the age of the little boy.  I'm amazed at how this family was able to put the sadness aside and truly celebrate and love the lord and their family during the last few weeks of his life.  I listen to the mozart from her play mat as the batteries are dying and have a hard time even typing that word...dying.

It's something that was never even on my radar.  Maybe because I've always been an optimistic person, a silver lining seeker...but mostly because the fear of that word is bigger than anything else.  You read about people in their last moments who no longer fear death.  They talk about the excitement of meeting our maker and the peace of that world.  And selfishly, my love for everything in this world and the fear of not having enough days here is so great that I can't even bring myself to picture anything different.

So I've learned that I have absolutely no perspective on the bigger picture of life...I think that I'm hiding behind my fear of it and my bliss in my little bubble of optimism.  Regardless, I'm learning and growing and I pray that each of us have the number of bubble days that we want...even though I know that won't happen.

For today, I'm going to cuddle my little angel a little bit more, cry a little bit less and remember that my bubble wouldn't be so great and probably wouldn't even be here if I'd always been able to control everything.

Reality TV

I'm a reality TV junkie. The more of a train wreck a show is, the more I'm likely to watch it. Those close to me tend to roll their eyes when they hear me say that or they seem to be full of shame. I don't get it! Most of the reality TV shows that last are the ones that educate or celebrate people.

So you think you can dance-highlights dancers

American Idol-highlights vocal talent

America's Got Talent-highlights all kinds of talent

Biggest Loser-highlights weightloss/healthy lifestyle changes

Amazing Race-highlights healthy/unhealthy competition

Survivor/Bear Grills/etc-teaches survival skills

Discovery Channel-educates on different professions

HGTV-educates on home repair, clutter removal, property facelifts

MTV-educates on spoiled children, struggling children, music

Even The Bachelor/Bachelorette for the past 3 seasons has shown group dates where they are helping orphanages, etc. Hey...it's a start.

So I choose to escape my reality in a dose of someone else's. The majority of the ridiculous shows don't make it to a second season so America is weeding those out anyway. There are so many other choices out there that seem worse.

Full Circle, New Circle

I think the last time I had time to sit down and type was probably the date of my last post. I'll skip the updates because most of you don't know me personally and my life now has some incredible parts that I'd like to protect and keep private.

That being said, I feel like life has come full-circle and yet I've started a new one. When I say full-circle, its because the insanity and craziness of my past seems to have calmed down. I thought normal and calm would arrive when I matured, in my case, they showed up several years later.

This week I was contacted by a former "crazy" and they congratulated me on my happiness and wished me well. Seems like calm has arrived and they came full circle as well.

Last year, after turning 30, I was given a second chance at figuring myself out. This go-round, instead of focusing on what needed fixing, I focused on what needed celebrating! I made new friends, found new passions and had a new outlook on love and life. Love was the last thing I was looking for, I had planned to find several Mr. Right Nows to keep me entertained and feeling young. Instead, I found my Mr. Forever right under my nose!

Along with how I've lived my life, everything about our love has been out of order and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And even though I wouldn't change anything if given the chance to do it all over again, I think I would've liked to know a few things:

1) too many people tell you "Marriage is hard. Marriage is compromise. The first year is the worst." I kept hearing these words in the background of my life and used these phrases as an excuse and a reason to hang in there when times got tough. I seemed to forget the Marriage word and took this advice to mean that relationships are hard, relationships are compromise. But I've learned that relationships SHOULDN'T be hard! Relationships should be fun and dreamy and full of precious moments when you make memories together. I know too many people, including myself, who endure so much in a relationship trying so hard to make things work that we're blinding by the fact that it doesn't! I never knew that the right one just works, you don't have to try.

2) some people will just hold a grudge and there's nothing you can do. The past few years, everything has changed in my life. Because of this, there are growing pains. Unfortunately, as I was going thru career changes mostly, it meant that I wasn't able to be as much of a socialite as I'd been. This meant that I really angered some people that I adored without even trying to. It didn't matter how much I apologized, some people just wouldn't accept. I never knew that not showing up to a few events would mean losing friends.

3) I've always been a planner and found comfort in my plans. I hoped for the best, planned for the reality and thought about the worst...all to make sure that there would be no surprises. The sad thing is, I love surprises! But after years of bad surprises, I never wanted to feel that unprepared and helpless feeling so I planned for everything. This made me a great teacher but an annoying partner. I never knew that rolling with the punches and NOT expecting the unexpected could be filled with great surprises!

4) in a period of 16 months I have experienced every change, event, emotion, excitement than I expected in a decade. I never knew that in a little over a year, I could go from hopeless and confused to blissfully happy with everything I've ever dreamed.

My point is, you never know what will happen next. In my last post I talked about living in the present. Not looking at the past or toward the future but enjoying NOW. Looking back at that time, I'm so thankful that I did. I had no idea that I was about to get everything I'd always wanted. Your dreams are on their way, be who you hoped you'd be when they get to you.