Loss my grandmother last night. I was somewhat prepared but I was prepared for a month from now, 2 weeks from now....I could put off those feelings because I still had time. I wasn't prepared for last night. Yesterday was supposed to be the beginning of the end....not the end.
She was the poster child for love...maternal, eternal, unconditional. She survived for over 10 years after she lost her greatest love. I would love to be there to see that reunion, what an amazing moment. That is the only thought that can get me thru.
I thought writing would help but it doesn't...nothing does. For once, I'm at a loss for words and I know words won't make it better. My only comfort is that the last thing I told her was "I love you Granny, I'll see you soon." and after a day of no words from her, she smiled and said "I love you sweetheart."
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Showing posts with label loss. Show all posts
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Defeat or Growth? You decide.
Still alive...still hanging in there...in fact, I think I've adapted well to "survival mode." And I'm not afraid to say it, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.
Next Sunday is my 29th birthday. Up until today, I really hadn't thought about it as a celebration. For the first time on my birthday, I'm not in a place where I thought I could be proud of myself. I don't have a career...in fact, I don't really have a job. I'm not working toward anything in my relationship, heck, we don't even see eye to eye at this point. I'm not independent. And for once, I don't think I consider myself a role model for anything other than "what not to do."
But then I got to thinking. I'm surviving. I think a lot of people would've given up by now, but I haven't yet. And in fact, I'm not even so fragile that people have adjusted how they are around me. I still have friends coming to ME for advice, the only difference is that I'm leaning back on them more than ever.
And perhaps the most amazing thing is that I feel stronger with each passing day.
I've had this amazing thing happen to me in the last month, horrible but amazing....I have been attacked. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically by another person. Now granted, that is a dramatic term but when someone knows their actions will hurt another person and continues to do them, I consider that an attack.
I generally consider myself a good person so it's been hard to understand why I've been the target and I've almost let it get the best of me. I've done everything I can to learn anything and everything about my attacker and monitored them in any way and every way possible. I felt that this was my own way of protecting myself. And I felt exhausted and emotionally sabotaged.
But this week, I decided that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what malicious or vindictive reasons people have to do bad things. What matters is how you let those decisions affect you (affect or effect??? i dont remember). In the last few days I realized that I'm not going to let it affect me anymore. I can't control what other people do, all I can control is myself.
And I choose to be a better person. I choose to make the right decisions, I choose to let a higher power handle it. Because my job, the only full time job I have right now, is to be good. To be strong. To survive. Dramatic, I know....but just go with me on this.
So to this person, I forgive you, even though you haven't asked for it nor do you probably want it. I will pray for you to have the same "awakening" as I have had this week. And I pray that you get what it is that you desire so badly. Because for me, it's not about what I desire anymore, it's about what I need. And I've realized that I have everything that I truly need and those things cannot be taken away. So I will be okay no matter what desires you try to take from me....even if you succeed.
And next Sunday, on my 29th birthday, I will be proud of the person that I have become. A person who is constantly evolving, constantly trying to be a better version of herself, and more recently...a person who takes a deep breath...forgives without stipulations...and moves on.
Next Sunday is my 29th birthday. Up until today, I really hadn't thought about it as a celebration. For the first time on my birthday, I'm not in a place where I thought I could be proud of myself. I don't have a career...in fact, I don't really have a job. I'm not working toward anything in my relationship, heck, we don't even see eye to eye at this point. I'm not independent. And for once, I don't think I consider myself a role model for anything other than "what not to do."
But then I got to thinking. I'm surviving. I think a lot of people would've given up by now, but I haven't yet. And in fact, I'm not even so fragile that people have adjusted how they are around me. I still have friends coming to ME for advice, the only difference is that I'm leaning back on them more than ever.
And perhaps the most amazing thing is that I feel stronger with each passing day.
I've had this amazing thing happen to me in the last month, horrible but amazing....I have been attacked. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically by another person. Now granted, that is a dramatic term but when someone knows their actions will hurt another person and continues to do them, I consider that an attack.
I generally consider myself a good person so it's been hard to understand why I've been the target and I've almost let it get the best of me. I've done everything I can to learn anything and everything about my attacker and monitored them in any way and every way possible. I felt that this was my own way of protecting myself. And I felt exhausted and emotionally sabotaged.
But this week, I decided that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what malicious or vindictive reasons people have to do bad things. What matters is how you let those decisions affect you (affect or effect??? i dont remember). In the last few days I realized that I'm not going to let it affect me anymore. I can't control what other people do, all I can control is myself.
And I choose to be a better person. I choose to make the right decisions, I choose to let a higher power handle it. Because my job, the only full time job I have right now, is to be good. To be strong. To survive. Dramatic, I know....but just go with me on this.
So to this person, I forgive you, even though you haven't asked for it nor do you probably want it. I will pray for you to have the same "awakening" as I have had this week. And I pray that you get what it is that you desire so badly. Because for me, it's not about what I desire anymore, it's about what I need. And I've realized that I have everything that I truly need and those things cannot be taken away. So I will be okay no matter what desires you try to take from me....even if you succeed.
And next Sunday, on my 29th birthday, I will be proud of the person that I have become. A person who is constantly evolving, constantly trying to be a better version of herself, and more recently...a person who takes a deep breath...forgives without stipulations...and moves on.
Friday, December 26, 2008
Christmas Production
Did someone send you an E-Christmas Card this year? With an electronic newsletter? Yeah...I got that too. Its rare that our generation actually uses stamps! Maybe I should go ahead and auto schedule e-cards for the next 10 years to be emailed on Christmas Eve. I bet I can do it from an iphone! Heck I can record video messages and have a soundtrack playing in the background! Not a traditional Christmas song, of course, maybe a pop icon's version of All I Want for Christmas is a Wii. Or Wii Wish You A Merry Christmas. Sometimes I wish we could go back....when there were CAR phones in case of emergency and people actually "caught up" in person, in letters or thru a lengthy phone conversation.
My favorite part of Christmas is coming home and going to the Christmas Eve church service with my family. I have such awesome memories of attending in my pjs as a child and reuniting with old friends as I grew up.
Our church is enormous and has members from all walks of life which is part of what makes it unique and part of what makes it so inviting. Over the past few years, our church has changed...some say "evolved."
This was expected when our original pastor retired and handed over the reigns to his replacement. But now it seems that I barely recognize the church that had such a huge part in framing the christian that I am today.
Now it seems that going to church is more a production than ever before. Complee with programs that advertised upcoming concerts, a 4 minute message from our pastor, the trio that rocked out to an electric guitar and a version of Joy to the World that no one could sing along to and the complete absence of any traditional Christmas hymns. I left feeling disappointed and cheated.
I very much support Praise music in churches. I think it reaches out to those who didn't grow up in a church or who are looking for a more modern/contemporary service. I was raised where we had Praise music during our Wednesday night bible studies or in youth group. It was extremely rare to hear that in "Big Church" as we called it. The women wore dresses, hose and heels and the men wore ties. You dressed up, you sang hymns, you read scripture and you studied the bible. The pastors message reached you and made you think...but the message was scripture and how to apply it.
I can't help but feel that modern churches focus so much time and energy on the performance and production and less on the message.
To me, it's not about the stage lights, the sound board, the band, the video screen (grrr...thats a soap box in itself...i don't want to see advertisements or commercials, tell me what i need in the program) It's not about having the newest cool christian song cause guess what, when you ask me to stand and sing along...if i have to read the video screen for the words that is not cool!).
I miss the days where we would sing as a congregation and you would hear harmony through out the crowd because they were songs we knew by heart. How am I supposed to harmonize if I don't know the melody?
I don't need a glamorous church. I remember when the glamorous aspect to the service was a solo or a small group and maybe a handbell performance. Where has that gone?
I'm tempted to write a note to the new pastor but I'm afraid he won't even read it or care. I think he has plans for this church that include erasing everything that it was except for the real estate.
So how is it, at 28 years old, I suddenly feel like an old person? Where are the churches that have a hymnal in each row that don't collect dust? Are we losing focus? I don't believe in adapting or modernizing the bible to meet our needs....we are supposed to adapt ourselves to meet his needs.
I guess I have to go searching thru podcasts for a video of what church used to be. Should I start in the "oldies" section? Mabye someone will send me another Ecard christmas card or txt me information.
My favorite part of Christmas is coming home and going to the Christmas Eve church service with my family. I have such awesome memories of attending in my pjs as a child and reuniting with old friends as I grew up.
Our church is enormous and has members from all walks of life which is part of what makes it unique and part of what makes it so inviting. Over the past few years, our church has changed...some say "evolved."
This was expected when our original pastor retired and handed over the reigns to his replacement. But now it seems that I barely recognize the church that had such a huge part in framing the christian that I am today.
Now it seems that going to church is more a production than ever before. Complee with programs that advertised upcoming concerts, a 4 minute message from our pastor, the trio that rocked out to an electric guitar and a version of Joy to the World that no one could sing along to and the complete absence of any traditional Christmas hymns. I left feeling disappointed and cheated.
I very much support Praise music in churches. I think it reaches out to those who didn't grow up in a church or who are looking for a more modern/contemporary service. I was raised where we had Praise music during our Wednesday night bible studies or in youth group. It was extremely rare to hear that in "Big Church" as we called it. The women wore dresses, hose and heels and the men wore ties. You dressed up, you sang hymns, you read scripture and you studied the bible. The pastors message reached you and made you think...but the message was scripture and how to apply it.
I can't help but feel that modern churches focus so much time and energy on the performance and production and less on the message.
To me, it's not about the stage lights, the sound board, the band, the video screen (grrr...thats a soap box in itself...i don't want to see advertisements or commercials, tell me what i need in the program) It's not about having the newest cool christian song cause guess what, when you ask me to stand and sing along...if i have to read the video screen for the words that is not cool!).
I miss the days where we would sing as a congregation and you would hear harmony through out the crowd because they were songs we knew by heart. How am I supposed to harmonize if I don't know the melody?
I don't need a glamorous church. I remember when the glamorous aspect to the service was a solo or a small group and maybe a handbell performance. Where has that gone?
I'm tempted to write a note to the new pastor but I'm afraid he won't even read it or care. I think he has plans for this church that include erasing everything that it was except for the real estate.
So how is it, at 28 years old, I suddenly feel like an old person? Where are the churches that have a hymnal in each row that don't collect dust? Are we losing focus? I don't believe in adapting or modernizing the bible to meet our needs....we are supposed to adapt ourselves to meet his needs.
I guess I have to go searching thru podcasts for a video of what church used to be. Should I start in the "oldies" section? Mabye someone will send me another Ecard christmas card or txt me information.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Infected...round 2
Last time I was infected was this past summer with the sinus infection from Hades that just wouldn't go away.
This time...it's different.
Since joining the masses in the unemployment line, I've been spending a large amount of time on my trusty laptop. It's seriously shocking...I take it with me out in the front yard attached to an extension chord and set it on top of the bushes while painting the house...I've become obsessed with One Tree Hill. (Never watched the show and I've caught up all the way thru Season 3.)
Since I don't have a tv hooked up to Fios in the kitchen, I am on my laptop while cooking, flipping back and forth between a recipe online and catching up on the shows I missed the previous week (90210, Brothers and Sisters, Desp Housewives, Greys, Private Practice, Fringe...you get the idea.) I've been a good girlfriend and willingly missed my favorite shows realizing I can catch up online.
ANYWAY...back to the point. Last week I ran a full system scan on my computer with both McAfee and Windows Defender. During the scan, Windows Defender popped up and said I had spyware on my computer but didnt have spyware protection. I followed the suggested link and purchased XP Antispyware 2009. This is where things started to go wrong.
I scanned with XP Antispyware and found all kinds of Adware and Spyware and promptly clicked "Remove" and continued on my way. This happened every day for a week. Sunday night I started getting every fake pop up known to man. Things saying I was infected, I needed anti-adware, the server was busy and I needed to try again. When I hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete it said that my task manager had been disabled by the System Administrator. (Um...note to hard drive.. I AM THE SYSTEM ADMIN...I didn't disable ANYTHING!!!)
So, I downloaded an online system scan and found 345 infected items...none of which could be removed unless I purchased the program.
SH*T
I called geek squad and the convo went something like this:
Me: "Um, hi. Something's wrong."
Geek: "Ok, what happened."
Me: "My background says I'm infected instead of the picture of me with a beer like it's supposed to be. I keep getting popups and it says I have Trojans, Spyware, Adware and something called a Rogue."
Geek: "Ok, when and how did this start?"
Me: "Well, last week I bought XP Antispyware 2009"
Geek: *Large Gasp*
Me: "What?"
Geek: "You bought a virus."
Me: "Sh*t. Oh, um...sorry. I mean crap."
Geek: "Do you have the Geek Squad protection plan?"
Me: "Of course not."
You get the idea.
Basically, this XP Antispyware 2009 is a scam. What makes it worse is that I paid for it!! Thats right, I put in my information and credit card number and asked to be infected!!!!
The bad news, the scam is so new that no antivirus software will pick up on it, remove it or fix it. And Geek Squad will charge me $199 to fix it.
The even bad-er news is that I had to go to the bank, change all of my account information and cancel my credit cards.
The good news is that nothing unusual had been charged on my credit card AND BF's cousin is a computer wiz and is fixing it for me (THANK GOODNESS.)
And to kick me when I'm down, I found that there was a monthly maintenance charge on my account for $5.95. When I asked what this was, I was informed that it was a fee charged because I don't have a direct deposit into my account anymore. So basically, they are punishing me because I got laid off. THANKS! Piece of ....
So, I'm all about having a moral for every story. Here's how you avoid this happening to you.
Are you ready?
This is BIG.
NEVER...and I repeat, NEVER run a scan on your computer while connected to the internet. Either turn off the internet button or unplug your cord. Because, it wasn't Windows Defender that popped up saying I needed to buy Anti Spyware, it was Spyware already on my computer that reacted when I started scanning it.
How I've gotten to this point without knowing this crucial information is beyond me.
I think I might arrange a seminar for young women and teach them the things I never learned but should have.
I'm thinking:
~How travel on your own (2001)
~how to paint (2001)
~how to use a lawnmower (2001)
~how to hang a light fixture (2001)
~how to check the dip stick(2002)
~how to start over in life and in love (2002)
~how to interview (2003)
~how to cold call (2003)
~how to manage 10 kids under the age of 10 (2004)
~how to check your tires to see if the strings are showing (2005)
~how to handle a stalker/crazy (2004 & 2006)
~how to groom a dog (2006)
~how to plant a garden (2007)
~how to cook (2007)
~how to cook healthy meals (2008)
~how to run a system scan (2008)
~how to handle getting laid off and how not to handle it(date to be determined)
I'm hoping it will help me fine tune my teaching skills. I'm going to charge $29.99 per person....are you in?
This time...it's different.
Since joining the masses in the unemployment line, I've been spending a large amount of time on my trusty laptop. It's seriously shocking...I take it with me out in the front yard attached to an extension chord and set it on top of the bushes while painting the house...I've become obsessed with One Tree Hill. (Never watched the show and I've caught up all the way thru Season 3.)
Since I don't have a tv hooked up to Fios in the kitchen, I am on my laptop while cooking, flipping back and forth between a recipe online and catching up on the shows I missed the previous week (90210, Brothers and Sisters, Desp Housewives, Greys, Private Practice, Fringe...you get the idea.) I've been a good girlfriend and willingly missed my favorite shows realizing I can catch up online.
ANYWAY...back to the point. Last week I ran a full system scan on my computer with both McAfee and Windows Defender. During the scan, Windows Defender popped up and said I had spyware on my computer but didnt have spyware protection. I followed the suggested link and purchased XP Antispyware 2009. This is where things started to go wrong.
I scanned with XP Antispyware and found all kinds of Adware and Spyware and promptly clicked "Remove" and continued on my way. This happened every day for a week. Sunday night I started getting every fake pop up known to man. Things saying I was infected, I needed anti-adware, the server was busy and I needed to try again. When I hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete it said that my task manager had been disabled by the System Administrator. (Um...note to hard drive.. I AM THE SYSTEM ADMIN...I didn't disable ANYTHING!!!)
So, I downloaded an online system scan and found 345 infected items...none of which could be removed unless I purchased the program.
SH*T
I called geek squad and the convo went something like this:
Me: "Um, hi. Something's wrong."
Geek: "Ok, what happened."
Me: "My background says I'm infected instead of the picture of me with a beer like it's supposed to be. I keep getting popups and it says I have Trojans, Spyware, Adware and something called a Rogue."
Geek: "Ok, when and how did this start?"
Me: "Well, last week I bought XP Antispyware 2009"
Geek: *Large Gasp*
Me: "What?"
Geek: "You bought a virus."
Me: "Sh*t. Oh, um...sorry. I mean crap."
Geek: "Do you have the Geek Squad protection plan?"
Me: "Of course not."
You get the idea.
Basically, this XP Antispyware 2009 is a scam. What makes it worse is that I paid for it!! Thats right, I put in my information and credit card number and asked to be infected!!!!
The bad news, the scam is so new that no antivirus software will pick up on it, remove it or fix it. And Geek Squad will charge me $199 to fix it.
The even bad-er news is that I had to go to the bank, change all of my account information and cancel my credit cards.
The good news is that nothing unusual had been charged on my credit card AND BF's cousin is a computer wiz and is fixing it for me (THANK GOODNESS.)
And to kick me when I'm down, I found that there was a monthly maintenance charge on my account for $5.95. When I asked what this was, I was informed that it was a fee charged because I don't have a direct deposit into my account anymore. So basically, they are punishing me because I got laid off. THANKS! Piece of ....
So, I'm all about having a moral for every story. Here's how you avoid this happening to you.
Are you ready?
This is BIG.
NEVER...and I repeat, NEVER run a scan on your computer while connected to the internet. Either turn off the internet button or unplug your cord. Because, it wasn't Windows Defender that popped up saying I needed to buy Anti Spyware, it was Spyware already on my computer that reacted when I started scanning it.
How I've gotten to this point without knowing this crucial information is beyond me.
I think I might arrange a seminar for young women and teach them the things I never learned but should have.
I'm thinking:
~How travel on your own (2001)
~how to paint (2001)
~how to use a lawnmower (2001)
~how to hang a light fixture (2001)
~how to check the dip stick(2002)
~how to start over in life and in love (2002)
~how to interview (2003)
~how to cold call (2003)
~how to manage 10 kids under the age of 10 (2004)
~how to check your tires to see if the strings are showing (2005)
~how to handle a stalker/crazy (2004 & 2006)
~how to groom a dog (2006)
~how to plant a garden (2007)
~how to cook (2007)
~how to cook healthy meals (2008)
~how to run a system scan (2008)
~how to handle getting laid off and how not to handle it(date to be determined)
I'm hoping it will help me fine tune my teaching skills. I'm going to charge $29.99 per person....are you in?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
September 11th
I've been amazed today to see that September 11th seems to be just another day again. I hope that each of you will remember what happened just a few years ago and make an effort to never forget.
Take a moment, take a breath, take time to remember those we lost, those who became heroes and those who still are our heroes and protectors.....fighting for us every day, in every country.
Here are some of the pictures I took on our trip to Ground Zero this past June.
God bless our troops, God bless those affected by 9/11 and God bless America.
Take a moment, take a breath, take time to remember those we lost, those who became heroes and those who still are our heroes and protectors.....fighting for us every day, in every country.
Here are some of the pictures I took on our trip to Ground Zero this past June.
God bless our troops, God bless those affected by 9/11 and God bless America.
Saturday, September 6, 2008
Change, the ugly duckling.
It is amazing to me how change affects each of us. I used to think that change was my friend. I loved the way it would creep up and surprise me, most of the time with things that I had never thought of. I thought it was exciting, new, and challenging. There were times when I knew it was coming….because it was inevitable and we all expected it. And there were times when no one could’ve predicted it because it was coming whether we wanted it or not. It was like change, fate and destiny were all the best of friends and had the most creative of imaginations.
Most people don’t like change….even if they say they do. They don’t like change in their routines, in the bottom of their purse or collecting space on their nightstand. Change is that friend that is often uncomfortable, often unwelcome and usually takes a lot of getting used to.
But lately, no matter how much I used to love it, I’m not a fan of change and I haven’t been able to see it coming. Lately, change seems to be constant. Change seems to be all around me and the people that I love.
But when you think about change, whether it be in your life or in your pocket, it only really makes a difference when there’s a lot of it. In the big picture of life, a little change doesn’t amount to anything. But the more you have, the more opportunities you have to do something with it.
So I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to be afraid of it….I’m no longer going to dread it’s presence. Instead, I’m going to keep track of it and count it. Because, each time change appears, I’m a little bit closer to using it for something I really need.
Most people don’t like change….even if they say they do. They don’t like change in their routines, in the bottom of their purse or collecting space on their nightstand. Change is that friend that is often uncomfortable, often unwelcome and usually takes a lot of getting used to.
But lately, no matter how much I used to love it, I’m not a fan of change and I haven’t been able to see it coming. Lately, change seems to be constant. Change seems to be all around me and the people that I love.
But when you think about change, whether it be in your life or in your pocket, it only really makes a difference when there’s a lot of it. In the big picture of life, a little change doesn’t amount to anything. But the more you have, the more opportunities you have to do something with it.
So I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to be afraid of it….I’m no longer going to dread it’s presence. Instead, I’m going to keep track of it and count it. Because, each time change appears, I’m a little bit closer to using it for something I really need.
Thursday, September 4, 2008
cyclical guilt
I sat here for about 10 minutes staring at a blank screen. You see, I have so much to say but can't seem to form it into a point. This week has been incredibly interesting for me. I'm definitely out of my comfort zone.
As I've been looking for a job, I've been busier than I ever thought an unemployed person would be. Yet as busy as I've been, I can't help but feel a little useless at the end of the day. And so I don't let myself have an end of my day.
When I was working, I was the type of person who could truly leave work at work and when I got home, my brain was free of stress/worry/etc hence why I could totally immerse myself in an episode of reality tv.
But now, even blogging, I'm overcome with guilt about the impact I should be making that I'm not...right here, right now.
I've never been the type of person who experienced guilt...mainly because I don't do things that I have to say I'm sorry for. And I didn't do anything wrong in this situation, yet I feel guilty.
ALL.THE.TIME.
So my first thought on how to end this time period in my life is to find a job as quickly as possible. However, I don't want to just take ANY job...I want to find another job that I love as much as I loved my last one.
And the circle continues....here's hoping something jumps out and stops me from spinning.
oh..and a big PS-please....under no circumstances, please do not baby talk me. I may be unemployed and it may suck, but I cannot stand to get voicemails or phone calls from those with the baby talk voice saying, "heeeyyyyyyy, hooooooww arrrrrrrreee youuuuuuuuu?" Nothing is more annoying.
As I've been looking for a job, I've been busier than I ever thought an unemployed person would be. Yet as busy as I've been, I can't help but feel a little useless at the end of the day. And so I don't let myself have an end of my day.
When I was working, I was the type of person who could truly leave work at work and when I got home, my brain was free of stress/worry/etc hence why I could totally immerse myself in an episode of reality tv.
But now, even blogging, I'm overcome with guilt about the impact I should be making that I'm not...right here, right now.
I've never been the type of person who experienced guilt...mainly because I don't do things that I have to say I'm sorry for. And I didn't do anything wrong in this situation, yet I feel guilty.
ALL.THE.TIME.
So my first thought on how to end this time period in my life is to find a job as quickly as possible. However, I don't want to just take ANY job...I want to find another job that I love as much as I loved my last one.
And the circle continues....here's hoping something jumps out and stops me from spinning.
oh..and a big PS-please....under no circumstances, please do not baby talk me. I may be unemployed and it may suck, but I cannot stand to get voicemails or phone calls from those with the baby talk voice saying, "heeeyyyyyyy, hooooooww arrrrrrrreee youuuuuuuuu?" Nothing is more annoying.
Monday, September 1, 2008
"Life's a B*tch and then you get laid off"
This was the subject of an email I received today from a good friend comforting me after my first official layoff yesterday. It was the 3rd layoff I've been thru in my professional career but the first one that I didn't survive.
I was shocked. Maybe shocked isn't the appropriate word, I don't that there is one. I had absolutely no warning, no signs, no knowledge that the company, or my job, was in danger.
Typically the salespeople are safe in any company as they need money coming in. Apparently, things are bad at my former job because 20% of the entire company and 75% of the sales team were laid off...leaving one guy in sales and half the # of employees that were with the company when I started a year and a half ago.
Let me back up and tell you that I'm good at my job. (or I was good at my job). I'd never received anything but raving reviews from my bosses and I was just offered a promotion. Unfortunately for me, these layoffs were not performance based.
And, unfortunately for me, there wasn't anything "common" about my job. It was kind of a niche operation and mine was kind of a niche position. What does this mean? This means that there are no competitors to go to....no comparable positions, companies or salaries to fill this hole.
So, here's me.....at square one.
It's amazing the perspective you gain about the important things in life when you're faced with a life changing situation. Just two days ago I blogged about what I'm thankful for and thank goodness my #1 was what it was....because I'm going to be okay.
I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll land but something just tells me that I'm going to be ok. So...they say these things happen in 3s...I had 2 of them this week, bring it on #3!
Oh, and if you know of anyone wanting to hire an incredibly bright, witty and all around fantastic gal, let me know! Hook 'em horns!
I was shocked. Maybe shocked isn't the appropriate word, I don't that there is one. I had absolutely no warning, no signs, no knowledge that the company, or my job, was in danger.
Typically the salespeople are safe in any company as they need money coming in. Apparently, things are bad at my former job because 20% of the entire company and 75% of the sales team were laid off...leaving one guy in sales and half the # of employees that were with the company when I started a year and a half ago.
Let me back up and tell you that I'm good at my job. (or I was good at my job). I'd never received anything but raving reviews from my bosses and I was just offered a promotion. Unfortunately for me, these layoffs were not performance based.
And, unfortunately for me, there wasn't anything "common" about my job. It was kind of a niche operation and mine was kind of a niche position. What does this mean? This means that there are no competitors to go to....no comparable positions, companies or salaries to fill this hole.
So, here's me.....at square one.
It's amazing the perspective you gain about the important things in life when you're faced with a life changing situation. Just two days ago I blogged about what I'm thankful for and thank goodness my #1 was what it was....because I'm going to be okay.
I have no idea what I'll do or where I'll land but something just tells me that I'm going to be ok. So...they say these things happen in 3s...I had 2 of them this week, bring it on #3!
Oh, and if you know of anyone wanting to hire an incredibly bright, witty and all around fantastic gal, let me know! Hook 'em horns!
Wednesday, August 27, 2008
What if..
This week I've read some pretty devastating stories. Stories that made me ache for those involved, stories that made me want to help.
One particular story was gut wrenching and involved someone else who was in a similar situation to me and experienced one of my biggest fears. And she was asking for help. Financially.
She had posted a link where anyone could donate to help her get thru this tough time, if they so desired. I immediately got out my credit card to help. But for some reason, I couldn't get myself to click on the "Donate" button.
I didn't donate and for that, I'm ashamed. But I couldn't help asking myself all of those "What if" questions. What if this is a scam? What if the donation website isn't legit? What if they take out more than I allocated? What if it sets me up for recurring withdrawl? What if I get my identity stolen?
All of these paranoid thoughts kept me from helping this person. And it got me thinking. I've volunteered for many charitable causes and tried to get donations. I've been at the mall, trying to stop those who are walking by with a flyer, on the phone trying to get someone to listen and not hang up and even at your door, trying to get you to buy girl scout cookies. I've often been the one asking people to donate to various causes I've supported...and I've judged those who wouldn't give me the time of day and for turning their backs. And here I am now, in their shoes, and I do the same.
When I worked downtown, I passed homeless people on the street on a daily basis. My friends and family always told me not to give them money by saying "they're faking it" or "they'll use it to buy drugs or alcohol." So instead, I would bring them anything leftover from lunch and I always kept a pack of bottled water in the car to give out. Because frankly, even if they are faking it, even if they are addicted, this is Texas. It's hot, they have a reason for being there and I am a good person.
I've always been the first one to throw stones at selfish people because I never considered myself as selfish, until today.
I've since emailed her for her mailing address so I could mail her a cash donation but I still don't feel good about how much I questioned her. When in reality, the "What If" question that I SHOULD have been asking myself is: What if it happened to me? What if I needed help?
My challenge to you is to not react the same what that I did. Maybe you're not comfortable giving your credit card info either but find a way to help. Because one day, you could be the one in need.
One particular story was gut wrenching and involved someone else who was in a similar situation to me and experienced one of my biggest fears. And she was asking for help. Financially.
She had posted a link where anyone could donate to help her get thru this tough time, if they so desired. I immediately got out my credit card to help. But for some reason, I couldn't get myself to click on the "Donate" button.
I didn't donate and for that, I'm ashamed. But I couldn't help asking myself all of those "What if" questions. What if this is a scam? What if the donation website isn't legit? What if they take out more than I allocated? What if it sets me up for recurring withdrawl? What if I get my identity stolen?
All of these paranoid thoughts kept me from helping this person. And it got me thinking. I've volunteered for many charitable causes and tried to get donations. I've been at the mall, trying to stop those who are walking by with a flyer, on the phone trying to get someone to listen and not hang up and even at your door, trying to get you to buy girl scout cookies. I've often been the one asking people to donate to various causes I've supported...and I've judged those who wouldn't give me the time of day and for turning their backs. And here I am now, in their shoes, and I do the same.
When I worked downtown, I passed homeless people on the street on a daily basis. My friends and family always told me not to give them money by saying "they're faking it" or "they'll use it to buy drugs or alcohol." So instead, I would bring them anything leftover from lunch and I always kept a pack of bottled water in the car to give out. Because frankly, even if they are faking it, even if they are addicted, this is Texas. It's hot, they have a reason for being there and I am a good person.
I've always been the first one to throw stones at selfish people because I never considered myself as selfish, until today.
I've since emailed her for her mailing address so I could mail her a cash donation but I still don't feel good about how much I questioned her. When in reality, the "What If" question that I SHOULD have been asking myself is: What if it happened to me? What if I needed help?
My challenge to you is to not react the same what that I did. Maybe you're not comfortable giving your credit card info either but find a way to help. Because one day, you could be the one in need.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
The making of Me.
So I've ventured away from really writing about the yucky love stuff in order to appeal to a more diverse audience of readers. But who am I kidding, every female has stories to tell so I thought it was time to tell mine. You see, when I write about yucky love, I want it to be funny, entertaining, real and give hope to others. And initially, the only way I thought I could do that was to tell the ultimate love story (with me as the leading lady) and the fairy tale ending we all grew up learning about, thus giving hope that everyone can be as happy as me (ok...you can all stop laughing at me now.) But I don't have that story to tell you.
And then I realized, even though my story is far from perfect, it's truly real and I think it can be funny, entertaining, real and I maybe give hope that we all go thru these hardships and that it's ok. So here goes.
I have been in love 3 different times in my life: Steven, Ben, and Current BF (names have all been changed). (ok really i've been in love hundreds of times...chocolate, michael buble songs, snow skiing, etc... but this is just about being in love with the opposite $ex so go with it.)
Steven.
I was in high school and funny enough, I thought I had already been in love before him (I hadn't). I don't really know how we met, but he was a senior when I was a junior and I became the girl who wore his letter jacket. I was blissfully happy. It was the time of the innocent love...we were each others first everything and experiencing life together was everything I'd imagined. We didn't do the break up & get back together thing, we just stayed together....for 3 1/2 years! And to be honest, I can't even remember why we ended up breaking up in the end. What I do remember is that it seemed to fizzle and he broke up with me and instead of grieving over that loss, I made the most of my time and quickly found someone new.....Ben. (There's more to Steven's story...stay tuned)
Ben and I met in college about a minute after Steven broke up with me (well, maybe more like a week). We immediately hit it off and started to date. When Steven got word of this, he came back and wanted me again. I quickly turned my nose up to him with a "you snooze you lose" attitude and focused on Ben. Ben was younger than me and wanted to learn what I had to teach him, haha. We got serious quickly and I felt powerful being the older/wiser of the two. I broke up with him after 2 months for about 8 hours...(it was during summer finals, i was stressed and ridiculous and I don't remember why I did it). When I realized I was being dramatic, I went looking for him. When I found him he was in his yard kissing another girl and there was an empty wine bottle on the table. I ran from his house in tears, making it known that I was there so he would see me and come running after me realizing his mistake. Only, he didn't. I ran to the comfort of Stevens arms who was still there for me, but thankfully, I didn't confuse the situation more and Steven and I just stayed friends. The new semester was starting so I felt I had a fresh start.
As soon as school started, Ben came back....begging me. He sent me the most incredible arrangement of roses that I have ever seen to this day. They were salmon pink and so big I thought they were tulips. He romanced me in every way possible to get me back and I eventually gave in. He promised nothing happened with the slut I saw him kissing. (sorry, couldn't resist) After a month he came clean and admitted that he cheated...of course, it was followed by Ross Geller's famous line, "we were on a break" and the only break I validated was my heart breaking.
I stayed with him and I thought about him cheating every day for 6 months. Eventually it became every other day and after a good while, I could go a week without thinking about it. Our relationship healed and we were having a great time...planning a future together. Fast forward 2 years and 9/11 happened. Everything that was secure in my life suddenly seemed upside down. Ben decided to study abroad and I was devastated. We decided that we didn't want to be apart so he asked me to go with him and I did. I think 9/11 had that affect on so many people. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, but I was so terrified of losing him after that...I almost didn't want him to be out of my sight! But, going abroad was the best decision I could've made and I wouldn't have considered it had it not been for Ben. My time there was incredible. When we returned, he proposed in front of my entire family and I happily accepted. This was it! We started planning the wedding, picked out our kids names and lived happily ever after.
That's how I thought this story would end.
After we got engaged, I found a great job that I loved while starting my senior year (5th year, haha) and I began working alot. He was also working but after missing work for the 5th day from playing Halo and losing his license for too many speeding tickets, he got fired. He then starting hanging with friends and met a friend of a friend. Oh yeah, did I mention this friend was a girl? She was from my hometown, 4 years younger than me, played all the same sports, involved in all of the same things. She was ME, just 4 years younger, I call her Mini Me. I challenged this friendship and was told that he wanted to hang out with me during the day but I was too busy working. Gee, how selfish of me! He broke up with me in the middle of a college football game and we decided to take Thanksgiving break to think about if we wanted to be together. When I returned, I told him I wanted to be with him and he told me that she'd shopped with him during the break and she encouraged him to buy cargo pants and he liked that. Weird, right? (back story is we were both about to graduate and I was encouraging him to spend his $ on clothes for upcoming interviews instead of yet another pair of those pants where you'd unzip them below the knee and ABRACADABRA! they were shorts.) Anyhow, as I'm sure you can imagine, it was a very NASTY break up. He tried to call the cops on me for breaking and entering when I was moving out and tried to sue me to get the ring back. It was BAD.
When it was over, I called Steven. He'd since graduated and moved away and was there for me yet again. I realized that I'd never gotten over Steven and now I had 2 lost loves to mend from. I swore off dating until I knew what I wanted. Six months later, after graduation, I left my pain behind me and happily moved away, excited for the next chapter of my life. (Ben and Mini Me continued dating for a few years and eventually broke up, I don't know if he cheated or not...and I don't care).
After about a year of living in a new city, I thought I was ready to move on.
I was working a great job that paid me nothing but had great potential and was really fun. I dated here and there, mostly first dates, but dates none the less. I'd put Ben behind me and Steven and I were still friends. We'd considered giving it another go but we never acted on it. Then one day, I get a call from Steven's new girlfriend. She hates me and decides to involve me in one of their fights...it was a ridiculous few days...and then, after all of those years, Steven and my friendship was over. I had nothing to do with it, I hadn't even really talked to him in awhile, but she was insanely jealous of our friendship and hated me. And to be honest, what girl hasn't been jealous of her guy's ex....I thought she was a crazy psycho but kinda understood at the same time. She'd given him an ultimatum and he chose her. I was ok with that and wished them both well...I don't think she believed me but thats ok. They've since married and are really happy...or at least I've heard.
Moving on, I was working my new job after getting my promotion and I get a random voicemail one day. My boss had forwarded me a new business call and it's Ben's sister. She works in the same industry and just happened to need my company's services and I just happened to be the next one on the new business call in list. I went to my boss and asked to have someone else work the account and was quickly denied and told to grow up. I stared at the phone for 30 minutes before I finally called her back. I focused on the work and nothing but the work and then she asked, "how are you?"
Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!
This is the moment when you need to be happily married with baby on the way, ridiculously wealthy, world traveled, successful and have lost 20 pounds. I was none of those things. I didn't have a husband (I hadn't had a date in 6 months), I was living paycheck to paycheck, hadn't been on vacation since college when my parents paid for it, I was still trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do in my career and the weight....well, that's none of your business but lets say the weight listed on my drivers license was WAY off!
I'm proud to say that I was positive, honest, not embellishing too much, but emphasizing whatever highlights I could think of. I then asked how she was and she told me 2 seconds about herself and then had verbal diarrhea about Ben. Oh, And guess what? He's married. Oh, And guess what? They have a daughter. Oh, And guess what? He named her the name we'd picked to name our first daughter (first AND middle name, WTF?) Oh and these names were not just Kate Ann, etc. These were NOT run of the mill names and I PICKED THEM OUT!!!! Oh, And guess what? His sister emailed me pictures.
KILL. ME. NOW.
What did I do wrong here? I took the necessary time to get over this relationship! I learned the lessons! I cried the tears! I paid the price already!! Why is it that now, more than 3 years later...I'm still getting hit by this?
After I sufficiently emailed every person that has known me since that time and had all of the, "you are NOT going to believe this" conversations, I let it go (or so I thought). I'd wanted to name my daughter that name since I was in high school, but it's ok. I decided it would be good to email him to say congratulations. (Seriously, Megster, you should have medicated me to prevent this) I thought I was being a mature adult...I told him I was thankful that he realized before the wedding that I was not the right person for him, I applauded his honesty (laugh) and I was happy to see that he was doing so well (gag). I acknowledged that it was a bad breakup and I was sorry for the mutual hurt but I really wished him nothing but the best.
He never responded.
After a month of convincing myself that I was ok...I think I finally was.
Then, almost a year later, thru a series of coincidences, I met my current BF. I say "current" because I have no open registries with this man. That being said, I have every intention of not screwing this up and hopefully, one day, we'll get to point and shoot that gun at things that we don't need but want others to buy us. I won't go into the story with current BF because I don't really like to start too many stories where I don't know the ending. But I'm happy and healthy and hopeful for the future.
I believe that we learn something with every relationship we have...be it occupational, friendship, romantic, etc. With Steven, I learned how to be a girlfriend (and how not to be), how innocent love is and how romantic it can be. I learned how important family is and I learned that there was someone I was supposed to become, not just someone I thought I should be. And most importantly, I learned that I had so much left to learn. With Ben, I learned how to fight to the death and win, I learned whats really important to me and whats not. I learned that I never want to be with someone who doesn't believe in our lord, I learned that culture is a beautiful thing, and I learned to trust my instincts and listen to my mother. I learned about another side of the world and I learned what I didn't want for the rest of my life. And most importantly, I finally learned how to let go.
When I started dating my current BF, I took what I learned and put it into action. Here are a few of my favorites:
~Since I knew how to fight and win, I decided that it wasn't winning or losing that's important, it's about learning and growing together.
~Since I knew how to be romanced, I decided I wanted to learn how to be romantic in HIS eyes, not just what I thought was romantic.
~Since I learned how important family can be, I decided to open my arms to his family in hopes that one day they will do the same.
~Since I knew that having the same faith was so important to me, I learned to make a mental memory of how special it meant the first time he said that he prays for us.
And now, I've realized that the hardest thing I've ever had to learn, but the most important thing to put into action was to have faith. That even if MY ending isn't how I've always pictured it....it's going to be better than I expected. Even if I go thru hardships along the way, I'll learn from them and use those lessons as I continue on this thing we call life.
My hopes in sharing these memories with you is that someone out there might read this and identify with it. Hopefully use it to keep going, use it to realize that it's not the fairy tale that we ultimately want...it's the reality. We want someone to love us because of our flaws, not in spite of them. And for that, I'm not afraid to admit mine.
Maybe that's optimism, maybe that's faith...mainly, its just me.
And then I realized, even though my story is far from perfect, it's truly real and I think it can be funny, entertaining, real and I maybe give hope that we all go thru these hardships and that it's ok. So here goes.
I have been in love 3 different times in my life: Steven, Ben, and Current BF (names have all been changed). (ok really i've been in love hundreds of times...chocolate, michael buble songs, snow skiing, etc... but this is just about being in love with the opposite $ex so go with it.)
Steven.
I was in high school and funny enough, I thought I had already been in love before him (I hadn't). I don't really know how we met, but he was a senior when I was a junior and I became the girl who wore his letter jacket. I was blissfully happy. It was the time of the innocent love...we were each others first everything and experiencing life together was everything I'd imagined. We didn't do the break up & get back together thing, we just stayed together....for 3 1/2 years! And to be honest, I can't even remember why we ended up breaking up in the end. What I do remember is that it seemed to fizzle and he broke up with me and instead of grieving over that loss, I made the most of my time and quickly found someone new.....Ben. (There's more to Steven's story...stay tuned)
Ben and I met in college about a minute after Steven broke up with me (well, maybe more like a week). We immediately hit it off and started to date. When Steven got word of this, he came back and wanted me again. I quickly turned my nose up to him with a "you snooze you lose" attitude and focused on Ben. Ben was younger than me and wanted to learn what I had to teach him, haha. We got serious quickly and I felt powerful being the older/wiser of the two. I broke up with him after 2 months for about 8 hours...(it was during summer finals, i was stressed and ridiculous and I don't remember why I did it). When I realized I was being dramatic, I went looking for him. When I found him he was in his yard kissing another girl and there was an empty wine bottle on the table. I ran from his house in tears, making it known that I was there so he would see me and come running after me realizing his mistake. Only, he didn't. I ran to the comfort of Stevens arms who was still there for me, but thankfully, I didn't confuse the situation more and Steven and I just stayed friends. The new semester was starting so I felt I had a fresh start.
As soon as school started, Ben came back....begging me. He sent me the most incredible arrangement of roses that I have ever seen to this day. They were salmon pink and so big I thought they were tulips. He romanced me in every way possible to get me back and I eventually gave in. He promised nothing happened with the slut I saw him kissing. (sorry, couldn't resist) After a month he came clean and admitted that he cheated...of course, it was followed by Ross Geller's famous line, "we were on a break" and the only break I validated was my heart breaking.
I stayed with him and I thought about him cheating every day for 6 months. Eventually it became every other day and after a good while, I could go a week without thinking about it. Our relationship healed and we were having a great time...planning a future together. Fast forward 2 years and 9/11 happened. Everything that was secure in my life suddenly seemed upside down. Ben decided to study abroad and I was devastated. We decided that we didn't want to be apart so he asked me to go with him and I did. I think 9/11 had that affect on so many people. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, but I was so terrified of losing him after that...I almost didn't want him to be out of my sight! But, going abroad was the best decision I could've made and I wouldn't have considered it had it not been for Ben. My time there was incredible. When we returned, he proposed in front of my entire family and I happily accepted. This was it! We started planning the wedding, picked out our kids names and lived happily ever after.
That's how I thought this story would end.
After we got engaged, I found a great job that I loved while starting my senior year (5th year, haha) and I began working alot. He was also working but after missing work for the 5th day from playing Halo and losing his license for too many speeding tickets, he got fired. He then starting hanging with friends and met a friend of a friend. Oh yeah, did I mention this friend was a girl? She was from my hometown, 4 years younger than me, played all the same sports, involved in all of the same things. She was ME, just 4 years younger, I call her Mini Me. I challenged this friendship and was told that he wanted to hang out with me during the day but I was too busy working. Gee, how selfish of me! He broke up with me in the middle of a college football game and we decided to take Thanksgiving break to think about if we wanted to be together. When I returned, I told him I wanted to be with him and he told me that she'd shopped with him during the break and she encouraged him to buy cargo pants and he liked that. Weird, right? (back story is we were both about to graduate and I was encouraging him to spend his $ on clothes for upcoming interviews instead of yet another pair of those pants where you'd unzip them below the knee and ABRACADABRA! they were shorts.) Anyhow, as I'm sure you can imagine, it was a very NASTY break up. He tried to call the cops on me for breaking and entering when I was moving out and tried to sue me to get the ring back. It was BAD.
When it was over, I called Steven. He'd since graduated and moved away and was there for me yet again. I realized that I'd never gotten over Steven and now I had 2 lost loves to mend from. I swore off dating until I knew what I wanted. Six months later, after graduation, I left my pain behind me and happily moved away, excited for the next chapter of my life. (Ben and Mini Me continued dating for a few years and eventually broke up, I don't know if he cheated or not...and I don't care).
After about a year of living in a new city, I thought I was ready to move on.
I was working a great job that paid me nothing but had great potential and was really fun. I dated here and there, mostly first dates, but dates none the less. I'd put Ben behind me and Steven and I were still friends. We'd considered giving it another go but we never acted on it. Then one day, I get a call from Steven's new girlfriend. She hates me and decides to involve me in one of their fights...it was a ridiculous few days...and then, after all of those years, Steven and my friendship was over. I had nothing to do with it, I hadn't even really talked to him in awhile, but she was insanely jealous of our friendship and hated me. And to be honest, what girl hasn't been jealous of her guy's ex....I thought she was a crazy psycho but kinda understood at the same time. She'd given him an ultimatum and he chose her. I was ok with that and wished them both well...I don't think she believed me but thats ok. They've since married and are really happy...or at least I've heard.
Moving on, I was working my new job after getting my promotion and I get a random voicemail one day. My boss had forwarded me a new business call and it's Ben's sister. She works in the same industry and just happened to need my company's services and I just happened to be the next one on the new business call in list. I went to my boss and asked to have someone else work the account and was quickly denied and told to grow up. I stared at the phone for 30 minutes before I finally called her back. I focused on the work and nothing but the work and then she asked, "how are you?"
Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!
This is the moment when you need to be happily married with baby on the way, ridiculously wealthy, world traveled, successful and have lost 20 pounds. I was none of those things. I didn't have a husband (I hadn't had a date in 6 months), I was living paycheck to paycheck, hadn't been on vacation since college when my parents paid for it, I was still trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do in my career and the weight....well, that's none of your business but lets say the weight listed on my drivers license was WAY off!
I'm proud to say that I was positive, honest, not embellishing too much, but emphasizing whatever highlights I could think of. I then asked how she was and she told me 2 seconds about herself and then had verbal diarrhea about Ben. Oh, And guess what? He's married. Oh, And guess what? They have a daughter. Oh, And guess what? He named her the name we'd picked to name our first daughter (first AND middle name, WTF?) Oh and these names were not just Kate Ann, etc. These were NOT run of the mill names and I PICKED THEM OUT!!!! Oh, And guess what? His sister emailed me pictures.
KILL. ME. NOW.
What did I do wrong here? I took the necessary time to get over this relationship! I learned the lessons! I cried the tears! I paid the price already!! Why is it that now, more than 3 years later...I'm still getting hit by this?
After I sufficiently emailed every person that has known me since that time and had all of the, "you are NOT going to believe this" conversations, I let it go (or so I thought). I'd wanted to name my daughter that name since I was in high school, but it's ok. I decided it would be good to email him to say congratulations. (Seriously, Megster, you should have medicated me to prevent this) I thought I was being a mature adult...I told him I was thankful that he realized before the wedding that I was not the right person for him, I applauded his honesty (laugh) and I was happy to see that he was doing so well (gag). I acknowledged that it was a bad breakup and I was sorry for the mutual hurt but I really wished him nothing but the best.
He never responded.
After a month of convincing myself that I was ok...I think I finally was.
Then, almost a year later, thru a series of coincidences, I met my current BF. I say "current" because I have no open registries with this man. That being said, I have every intention of not screwing this up and hopefully, one day, we'll get to point and shoot that gun at things that we don't need but want others to buy us. I won't go into the story with current BF because I don't really like to start too many stories where I don't know the ending. But I'm happy and healthy and hopeful for the future.
I believe that we learn something with every relationship we have...be it occupational, friendship, romantic, etc. With Steven, I learned how to be a girlfriend (and how not to be), how innocent love is and how romantic it can be. I learned how important family is and I learned that there was someone I was supposed to become, not just someone I thought I should be. And most importantly, I learned that I had so much left to learn. With Ben, I learned how to fight to the death and win, I learned whats really important to me and whats not. I learned that I never want to be with someone who doesn't believe in our lord, I learned that culture is a beautiful thing, and I learned to trust my instincts and listen to my mother. I learned about another side of the world and I learned what I didn't want for the rest of my life. And most importantly, I finally learned how to let go.
When I started dating my current BF, I took what I learned and put it into action. Here are a few of my favorites:
~Since I knew how to fight and win, I decided that it wasn't winning or losing that's important, it's about learning and growing together.
~Since I knew how to be romanced, I decided I wanted to learn how to be romantic in HIS eyes, not just what I thought was romantic.
~Since I learned how important family can be, I decided to open my arms to his family in hopes that one day they will do the same.
~Since I knew that having the same faith was so important to me, I learned to make a mental memory of how special it meant the first time he said that he prays for us.
And now, I've realized that the hardest thing I've ever had to learn, but the most important thing to put into action was to have faith. That even if MY ending isn't how I've always pictured it....it's going to be better than I expected. Even if I go thru hardships along the way, I'll learn from them and use those lessons as I continue on this thing we call life.
My hopes in sharing these memories with you is that someone out there might read this and identify with it. Hopefully use it to keep going, use it to realize that it's not the fairy tale that we ultimately want...it's the reality. We want someone to love us because of our flaws, not in spite of them. And for that, I'm not afraid to admit mine.
Maybe that's optimism, maybe that's faith...mainly, its just me.
Thursday, July 3, 2008
there is no title for this
For those of you who don't know, the lead story in last nights news hits at home. It's the case of the man who was convicted of murdering a family member of mine. I was 3 1/2 when my second cousin was murdered, along with four other men, in Sherman, TX.
I'm amazed at how many people have been sharing their opinions on this case. Granted, most of the opinions are formed without knowing all of the information and the media has only shown one side of this story. that being said, i applaud everyone for taking interest, it shows that people do care.
So what i ask is this, please say a prayer for these families...the families of the four men murdered, of the one convicted of the crime and of the ones suspected that could be involved. The families of these men did nothing to deserve this and have suffered for too long. There is at least one guilty party here..and in my opinion it is the government...this case shouldn't have gone on this long...if they were going to hear this evidence, they should have done it decades ago. this is heart wrenching for all of us. For more info, click here
I'm amazed at how many people have been sharing their opinions on this case. Granted, most of the opinions are formed without knowing all of the information and the media has only shown one side of this story. that being said, i applaud everyone for taking interest, it shows that people do care.
So what i ask is this, please say a prayer for these families...the families of the four men murdered, of the one convicted of the crime and of the ones suspected that could be involved. The families of these men did nothing to deserve this and have suffered for too long. There is at least one guilty party here..and in my opinion it is the government...this case shouldn't have gone on this long...if they were going to hear this evidence, they should have done it decades ago. this is heart wrenching for all of us. For more info, click here
Tuesday, June 17, 2008
waiting for the inevitable-updated.
**update**: we got the news that she passed away today. Please say a prayer for the family. We miss her already but are glad she doesn't have to be in pain any longer.**
I'm going to start this blog the same way you used to start a paper in school when you didn't know where to start. The definition of the subject.
According to dictionary.com, inevitable is
1. unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary: an inevitable conclusion.
2. sure to occur, happen, or come; unalterable: The inevitable end of human life is death.
–noun 3. that which is unavoidable.
My grandmother's best friend has been given 24-48 hours to live. She is thought to have pancreatic cancer and is on high doses of morphine to keep her comfortable. Unfortunately for us, this also keeps her asleep.
Even though we aren't related by blood, she's my grandmother too. As far back as I can remember...there was Granny and there was Marilyn. I don't know exactly when they met but it was a lifetime ago. She was a proud Baylor supporter, a strong christian and an all around wonderful woman. She has always been sharp as a tack and the most loveable person. And more importantly to me, she was the person we relied on to look after Granny when Pawpaw died....and she did. Marilyn's kids all went to tell Granny the news in person because we're basically one big family intertwined. I was in awe of such a selfless act on their part.
I'm on antibiotics and can't go out there to be with her and it's really doing a number on me. But when you think about it, these precious few moments that she has left are not for me....they're for her kids. Thats how you know someone was truly loved and touched a special place in everyone's heart.....because selfishly, I'm upset that I don't get to see her too.
I remember when they used to play bridge at the club, when "the grannies" would take girls weekends to Lake Austin, Horseshoe Bay or skiing in Colorado. I remember when our families spent summers at Possum Kingdom lake where we played spoons with her grandkids, watched Jaws, washed our hair with Vo5 and took showers in the lake, went skiing with bananas (before they had life jackets) rode water weenies, went to the trading post to buy candy cigarettes. The memories go on and on.
So while we know the inevitable is coming, I think we're all glad that we've had the incredible time with her that we've had. My parents went there yesterday to visit her and to visit my Granny. She said that the best way they knew to be with Granny was to talk about Marilyn. To talk about the memories they made and the friendship they shared. My only wish is that she be in peace and that we're given an opportunity to truly celebrate her life, the impact she made, and the legacy of love, family and faith that she leaves behind.
I'm going to start this blog the same way you used to start a paper in school when you didn't know where to start. The definition of the subject.
According to dictionary.com, inevitable is
1. unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary: an inevitable conclusion.
2. sure to occur, happen, or come; unalterable: The inevitable end of human life is death.
–noun 3. that which is unavoidable.
My grandmother's best friend has been given 24-48 hours to live. She is thought to have pancreatic cancer and is on high doses of morphine to keep her comfortable. Unfortunately for us, this also keeps her asleep.
Even though we aren't related by blood, she's my grandmother too. As far back as I can remember...there was Granny and there was Marilyn. I don't know exactly when they met but it was a lifetime ago. She was a proud Baylor supporter, a strong christian and an all around wonderful woman. She has always been sharp as a tack and the most loveable person. And more importantly to me, she was the person we relied on to look after Granny when Pawpaw died....and she did. Marilyn's kids all went to tell Granny the news in person because we're basically one big family intertwined. I was in awe of such a selfless act on their part.
I'm on antibiotics and can't go out there to be with her and it's really doing a number on me. But when you think about it, these precious few moments that she has left are not for me....they're for her kids. Thats how you know someone was truly loved and touched a special place in everyone's heart.....because selfishly, I'm upset that I don't get to see her too.
I remember when they used to play bridge at the club, when "the grannies" would take girls weekends to Lake Austin, Horseshoe Bay or skiing in Colorado. I remember when our families spent summers at Possum Kingdom lake where we played spoons with her grandkids, watched Jaws, washed our hair with Vo5 and took showers in the lake, went skiing with bananas (before they had life jackets) rode water weenies, went to the trading post to buy candy cigarettes. The memories go on and on.
So while we know the inevitable is coming, I think we're all glad that we've had the incredible time with her that we've had. My parents went there yesterday to visit her and to visit my Granny. She said that the best way they knew to be with Granny was to talk about Marilyn. To talk about the memories they made and the friendship they shared. My only wish is that she be in peace and that we're given an opportunity to truly celebrate her life, the impact she made, and the legacy of love, family and faith that she leaves behind.
Monday, March 31, 2008
RIP
I've never been described as a girlie girl. Sure, I wear skirts and heels, I love to shop and socialize but I also drink beer, watch sports, quote stupid movies and I'm fiercly competitive. I have a big mouth and never back down from a trash-talking match and I'm pretty much just awesome. (did i mention i have a big ego?)
And then this weekend, everything changed.
Two weeks ago I paid $20 for a chance at a million. (really a chance at $200 but I tend to embellish.) I submitted my picks and my hopes and dreams grew. I committed the sin of picking my favorites for fear that I would curse them by picking them to lose. My horns didn't have the confidence of America but they had my support.
I cheered thru every game and let out a big "owwwww...did you see that" for every high arched 3pt shot and steal and yesterday
And yesterday, bless their hearts, not only did my horns lose, it wasn't even a close game. And with their chance of a title, so went my chance of a million (or $200).
So this is me admitting that I was wrong. I'm a loser. A big loser.
And for now, this longhorn's big mouth has been silenced.
Rest In Peace hopes and dreams, rest in peace. (at least until baseball season)
And then this weekend, everything changed.
Two weeks ago I paid $20 for a chance at a million. (really a chance at $200 but I tend to embellish.) I submitted my picks and my hopes and dreams grew. I committed the sin of picking my favorites for fear that I would curse them by picking them to lose. My horns didn't have the confidence of America but they had my support.
I cheered thru every game and let out a big "owwwww...did you see that" for every high arched 3pt shot and steal and yesterday
And yesterday, bless their hearts, not only did my horns lose, it wasn't even a close game. And with their chance of a title, so went my chance of a million (or $200).
So this is me admitting that I was wrong. I'm a loser. A big loser.
And for now, this longhorn's big mouth has been silenced.
Rest In Peace hopes and dreams, rest in peace. (at least until baseball season)
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