Full Circle, New Circle

I think the last time I had time to sit down and type was probably the date of my last post. I'll skip the updates because most of you don't know me personally and my life now has some incredible parts that I'd like to protect and keep private.

That being said, I feel like life has come full-circle and yet I've started a new one. When I say full-circle, its because the insanity and craziness of my past seems to have calmed down. I thought normal and calm would arrive when I matured, in my case, they showed up several years later.

This week I was contacted by a former "crazy" and they congratulated me on my happiness and wished me well. Seems like calm has arrived and they came full circle as well.

Last year, after turning 30, I was given a second chance at figuring myself out. This go-round, instead of focusing on what needed fixing, I focused on what needed celebrating! I made new friends, found new passions and had a new outlook on love and life. Love was the last thing I was looking for, I had planned to find several Mr. Right Nows to keep me entertained and feeling young. Instead, I found my Mr. Forever right under my nose!

Along with how I've lived my life, everything about our love has been out of order and I wouldn't have it any other way.

And even though I wouldn't change anything if given the chance to do it all over again, I think I would've liked to know a few things:

1) too many people tell you "Marriage is hard. Marriage is compromise. The first year is the worst." I kept hearing these words in the background of my life and used these phrases as an excuse and a reason to hang in there when times got tough. I seemed to forget the Marriage word and took this advice to mean that relationships are hard, relationships are compromise. But I've learned that relationships SHOULDN'T be hard! Relationships should be fun and dreamy and full of precious moments when you make memories together. I know too many people, including myself, who endure so much in a relationship trying so hard to make things work that we're blinding by the fact that it doesn't! I never knew that the right one just works, you don't have to try.

2) some people will just hold a grudge and there's nothing you can do. The past few years, everything has changed in my life. Because of this, there are growing pains. Unfortunately, as I was going thru career changes mostly, it meant that I wasn't able to be as much of a socialite as I'd been. This meant that I really angered some people that I adored without even trying to. It didn't matter how much I apologized, some people just wouldn't accept. I never knew that not showing up to a few events would mean losing friends.

3) I've always been a planner and found comfort in my plans. I hoped for the best, planned for the reality and thought about the worst...all to make sure that there would be no surprises. The sad thing is, I love surprises! But after years of bad surprises, I never wanted to feel that unprepared and helpless feeling so I planned for everything. This made me a great teacher but an annoying partner. I never knew that rolling with the punches and NOT expecting the unexpected could be filled with great surprises!

4) in a period of 16 months I have experienced every change, event, emotion, excitement than I expected in a decade. I never knew that in a little over a year, I could go from hopeless and confused to blissfully happy with everything I've ever dreamed.

My point is, you never know what will happen next. In my last post I talked about living in the present. Not looking at the past or toward the future but enjoying NOW. Looking back at that time, I'm so thankful that I did. I had no idea that I was about to get everything I'd always wanted. Your dreams are on their way, be who you hoped you'd be when they get to you.

Pure Optimism

On my way home from subbing today I thought....How much would you smile tomorrow if you knew that tomorrow was the only day that you could smile the whole week? Would you take advantage of every moment? Would you go beyond smiling and laugh?

Me? I'd try my best to make someone else smile because then.....I'd know that even though it was MY only day to smile, I could make it contagious for someone else.

One of the biggest compliments I've ever been given was when someone told me that I'm one of the most optimistic people they know. This was such a huge compliment because its one of my biggest goals.

If you've kept tabs on me over the past few months, you know that optimistic was not a word to describe me at certain points during this time. Thankfully....this has been a great week.

I found something this week that I hope will keep me optimistic and remind me of all we have to be thankful for. As BF would tell you, I love me some Jon and Kate + 8....seriously, watch the show....cutest kids.

Anyway, their new ads have this incredible song playing in the background and it's my new obsession. I'll attach the video but while you watch it ....read the words. This is the stuff we should be reading each day.

I hope this song makes you smile and gets you thru your hard days.



Hey child up and go
-Big world is out there waiting for us to
live in every day

Outside you will find
there is love all around you
-Takes you, makes you wanna' say

That it's a beautiful life
and it's a beautiful world
and it's a beautiful time
to be here, to be here, to be here

The sky's blue
-just us two
Side by side we'll see the world
that surrounds us
-Hey, seize the day

Each road - every mile's a photograph in motion
to astound us, carry us away

into a beautiful life
'Cause it's a beautiful world
and it's a beautiful time
to be here, to be here

Leave all your cares behind you
The sun is rising
Turn around -it's right in front of you
and it's a beautiful life
and it's a beautiful time
to be here, to be here, to be here

The making of Me.

So I've ventured away from really writing about the yucky love stuff in order to appeal to a more diverse audience of readers. But who am I kidding, every female has stories to tell so I thought it was time to tell mine. You see, when I write about yucky love, I want it to be funny, entertaining, real and give hope to others. And initially, the only way I thought I could do that was to tell the ultimate love story (with me as the leading lady) and the fairy tale ending we all grew up learning about, thus giving hope that everyone can be as happy as me (ok...you can all stop laughing at me now.) But I don't have that story to tell you.

And then I realized, even though my story is far from perfect, it's truly real and I think it can be funny, entertaining, real and I maybe give hope that we all go thru these hardships and that it's ok. So here goes.

I have been in love 3 different times in my life: Steven, Ben, and Current BF (names have all been changed). (ok really i've been in love hundreds of times...chocolate, michael buble songs, snow skiing, etc... but this is just about being in love with the opposite $ex so go with it.)

Steven.
I was in high school and funny enough, I thought I had already been in love before him (I hadn't). I don't really know how we met, but he was a senior when I was a junior and I became the girl who wore his letter jacket. I was blissfully happy. It was the time of the innocent love...we were each others first everything and experiencing life together was everything I'd imagined. We didn't do the break up & get back together thing, we just stayed together....for 3 1/2 years! And to be honest, I can't even remember why we ended up breaking up in the end. What I do remember is that it seemed to fizzle and he broke up with me and instead of grieving over that loss, I made the most of my time and quickly found someone new.....Ben. (There's more to Steven's story...stay tuned)

Ben and I met in college about a minute after Steven broke up with me (well, maybe more like a week). We immediately hit it off and started to date. When Steven got word of this, he came back and wanted me again. I quickly turned my nose up to him with a "you snooze you lose" attitude and focused on Ben. Ben was younger than me and wanted to learn what I had to teach him, haha. We got serious quickly and I felt powerful being the older/wiser of the two. I broke up with him after 2 months for about 8 hours...(it was during summer finals, i was stressed and ridiculous and I don't remember why I did it). When I realized I was being dramatic, I went looking for him. When I found him he was in his yard kissing another girl and there was an empty wine bottle on the table. I ran from his house in tears, making it known that I was there so he would see me and come running after me realizing his mistake. Only, he didn't. I ran to the comfort of Stevens arms who was still there for me, but thankfully, I didn't confuse the situation more and Steven and I just stayed friends. The new semester was starting so I felt I had a fresh start.

As soon as school started, Ben came back....begging me. He sent me the most incredible arrangement of roses that I have ever seen to this day. They were salmon pink and so big I thought they were tulips. He romanced me in every way possible to get me back and I eventually gave in. He promised nothing happened with the slut I saw him kissing. (sorry, couldn't resist) After a month he came clean and admitted that he cheated...of course, it was followed by Ross Geller's famous line, "we were on a break" and the only break I validated was my heart breaking.

I stayed with him and I thought about him cheating every day for 6 months. Eventually it became every other day and after a good while, I could go a week without thinking about it. Our relationship healed and we were having a great time...planning a future together. Fast forward 2 years and 9/11 happened. Everything that was secure in my life suddenly seemed upside down. Ben decided to study abroad and I was devastated. We decided that we didn't want to be apart so he asked me to go with him and I did. I think 9/11 had that affect on so many people. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, but I was so terrified of losing him after that...I almost didn't want him to be out of my sight! But, going abroad was the best decision I could've made and I wouldn't have considered it had it not been for Ben. My time there was incredible. When we returned, he proposed in front of my entire family and I happily accepted. This was it! We started planning the wedding, picked out our kids names and lived happily ever after.

That's how I thought this story would end.

After we got engaged, I found a great job that I loved while starting my senior year (5th year, haha) and I began working alot. He was also working but after missing work for the 5th day from playing Halo and losing his license for too many speeding tickets, he got fired. He then starting hanging with friends and met a friend of a friend. Oh yeah, did I mention this friend was a girl? She was from my hometown, 4 years younger than me, played all the same sports, involved in all of the same things. She was ME, just 4 years younger, I call her Mini Me. I challenged this friendship and was told that he wanted to hang out with me during the day but I was too busy working. Gee, how selfish of me! He broke up with me in the middle of a college football game and we decided to take Thanksgiving break to think about if we wanted to be together. When I returned, I told him I wanted to be with him and he told me that she'd shopped with him during the break and she encouraged him to buy cargo pants and he liked that. Weird, right? (back story is we were both about to graduate and I was encouraging him to spend his $ on clothes for upcoming interviews instead of yet another pair of those pants where you'd unzip them below the knee and ABRACADABRA! they were shorts.) Anyhow, as I'm sure you can imagine, it was a very NASTY break up. He tried to call the cops on me for breaking and entering when I was moving out and tried to sue me to get the ring back. It was BAD.

When it was over, I called Steven. He'd since graduated and moved away and was there for me yet again. I realized that I'd never gotten over Steven and now I had 2 lost loves to mend from. I swore off dating until I knew what I wanted. Six months later, after graduation, I left my pain behind me and happily moved away, excited for the next chapter of my life. (Ben and Mini Me continued dating for a few years and eventually broke up, I don't know if he cheated or not...and I don't care).

After about a year of living in a new city, I thought I was ready to move on.

I was working a great job that paid me nothing but had great potential and was really fun. I dated here and there, mostly first dates, but dates none the less. I'd put Ben behind me and Steven and I were still friends. We'd considered giving it another go but we never acted on it. Then one day, I get a call from Steven's new girlfriend. She hates me and decides to involve me in one of their fights...it was a ridiculous few days...and then, after all of those years, Steven and my friendship was over. I had nothing to do with it, I hadn't even really talked to him in awhile, but she was insanely jealous of our friendship and hated me. And to be honest, what girl hasn't been jealous of her guy's ex....I thought she was a crazy psycho but kinda understood at the same time. She'd given him an ultimatum and he chose her. I was ok with that and wished them both well...I don't think she believed me but thats ok. They've since married and are really happy...or at least I've heard.

Moving on, I was working my new job after getting my promotion and I get a random voicemail one day. My boss had forwarded me a new business call and it's Ben's sister. She works in the same industry and just happened to need my company's services and I just happened to be the next one on the new business call in list. I went to my boss and asked to have someone else work the account and was quickly denied and told to grow up. I stared at the phone for 30 minutes before I finally called her back. I focused on the work and nothing but the work and then she asked, "how are you?"

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

This is the moment when you need to be happily married with baby on the way, ridiculously wealthy, world traveled, successful and have lost 20 pounds. I was none of those things. I didn't have a husband (I hadn't had a date in 6 months), I was living paycheck to paycheck, hadn't been on vacation since college when my parents paid for it, I was still trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do in my career and the weight....well, that's none of your business but lets say the weight listed on my drivers license was WAY off!

I'm proud to say that I was positive, honest, not embellishing too much, but emphasizing whatever highlights I could think of. I then asked how she was and she told me 2 seconds about herself and then had verbal diarrhea about Ben. Oh, And guess what? He's married. Oh, And guess what? They have a daughter. Oh, And guess what? He named her the name we'd picked to name our first daughter (first AND middle name, WTF?) Oh and these names were not just Kate Ann, etc. These were NOT run of the mill names and I PICKED THEM OUT!!!! Oh, And guess what? His sister emailed me pictures.

KILL. ME. NOW.

What did I do wrong here? I took the necessary time to get over this relationship! I learned the lessons! I cried the tears! I paid the price already!! Why is it that now, more than 3 years later...I'm still getting hit by this?

After I sufficiently emailed every person that has known me since that time and had all of the, "you are NOT going to believe this" conversations, I let it go (or so I thought). I'd wanted to name my daughter that name since I was in high school, but it's ok. I decided it would be good to email him to say congratulations. (Seriously, Megster, you should have medicated me to prevent this) I thought I was being a mature adult...I told him I was thankful that he realized before the wedding that I was not the right person for him, I applauded his honesty (laugh) and I was happy to see that he was doing so well (gag). I acknowledged that it was a bad breakup and I was sorry for the mutual hurt but I really wished him nothing but the best.

He never responded.

After a month of convincing myself that I was ok...I think I finally was.

Then, almost a year later, thru a series of coincidences, I met my current BF. I say "current" because I have no open registries with this man. That being said, I have every intention of not screwing this up and hopefully, one day, we'll get to point and shoot that gun at things that we don't need but want others to buy us. I won't go into the story with current BF because I don't really like to start too many stories where I don't know the ending. But I'm happy and healthy and hopeful for the future.

I believe that we learn something with every relationship we have...be it occupational, friendship, romantic, etc. With Steven, I learned how to be a girlfriend (and how not to be), how innocent love is and how romantic it can be. I learned how important family is and I learned that there was someone I was supposed to become, not just someone I thought I should be. And most importantly, I learned that I had so much left to learn. With Ben, I learned how to fight to the death and win, I learned whats really important to me and whats not. I learned that I never want to be with someone who doesn't believe in our lord, I learned that culture is a beautiful thing, and I learned to trust my instincts and listen to my mother. I learned about another side of the world and I learned what I didn't want for the rest of my life. And most importantly, I finally learned how to let go.

When I started dating my current BF, I took what I learned and put it into action. Here are a few of my favorites:

~Since I knew how to fight and win, I decided that it wasn't winning or losing that's important, it's about learning and growing together.
~Since I knew how to be romanced, I decided I wanted to learn how to be romantic in HIS eyes, not just what I thought was romantic.
~Since I learned how important family can be, I decided to open my arms to his family in hopes that one day they will do the same.
~Since I knew that having the same faith was so important to me, I learned to make a mental memory of how special it meant the first time he said that he prays for us.

And now, I've realized that the hardest thing I've ever had to learn, but the most important thing to put into action was to have faith. That even if MY ending isn't how I've always pictured it....it's going to be better than I expected. Even if I go thru hardships along the way, I'll learn from them and use those lessons as I continue on this thing we call life.

My hopes in sharing these memories with you is that someone out there might read this and identify with it. Hopefully use it to keep going, use it to realize that it's not the fairy tale that we ultimately want...it's the reality. We want someone to love us because of our flaws, not in spite of them. And for that, I'm not afraid to admit mine.

Maybe that's optimism, maybe that's faith...mainly, its just me.

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why do we like the pain?

Masochism refers to sexual or non-sexual gratification in the infliction of pain or humiliation upon oneself.

I've noticed that whether or not we know it, many of us like inflicting pain upon ourselves. In one of my favorite shows, Grey's Anatomy, Meredith says “Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we're wired that way. Because without it, I don't know; maybe we just wouldn't feel real. What's that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”

The most recent case of Masochism I've witnessed is, of course, in regards to relationships. It's the girl who keeps going back for more.

Why?

I think it's the fear.

1)The fear that she made a mistake
2)The fear that he was "the one" (no matter how absolutely crappy he was)
3)The fear that she'll never be happy again.

#3 is the kicker. As women, we're raised to believe that we're looking for that Prince Charming, that Mr. Right. When we get in a relationship, we realize that prince actually has to pick us too. And when that relationship ends, we forget that we can look for him...we're focused on only finding the one who will pick us but we see that as a slim to none chance as our confidence is completely shot.

Even when friends tell you not to do it, and you would tell them the same thing if the situation were reversed, you do it anyway. Because the pain feels so good.

I don't know how to get thru to her and tell her being with no one is better than being with a jerk. I think it's a realization she'll have to come to on her own. Until then, I'll pray for her strength and hope he stubbs his toe on every wooden and metal object he passes.

Hey MC? Its your uterus....we need to talk

I'm an independent gal and very happy in my life. I'm used to the fact that my timeline for the future doesn't measure up to everyone else's and others expect me to catch up soon. I get that.
Generally, I'm fine with how things are working out.

And then a friend of mine goes and gets pregnant.

Why is it that shopping for infant clothes and any baby things can make your uterus wake up and start aching? Oh my goodness, I swear my "clock" starting going off like a police siren.

All I can say is I've never been so excited to give an expectant mother a gift....I need to get this thing out of my house so that my body will go back to normal!

Why I love my BF

Quote from this evening:

"Doctors in New York are being encouraged to give patients routine HIV tests......What did I say..one in four people in New York have herpes? I'm SO glad we didn't catch anything in that city. $ex and the city wh0res."

I can't stop laughing.

on the outside looking in...or is it the other way around?

So it's not a new thing that I rant about people asking me "so...when ya gonna get hitched?" And I've always wanted to scream at them because I do want to get married and have kids. So their asking me prompts an internal rant of "i don't know, you twit, when I propose to someone or someone proposes to me and there is a YES answer, I'll be sure and let you know. Until then, shut your face and get me another margarita." But, maturely, I just smile and say "oh...i'll let ya know!" *insert fake laugh here*

Recently, I've been sick and am on ridiculous amounts of antibiotics. One of which is a steroid and I think it's affecting me more than I realize (or at least I choose to blame my actions and the following rant on it). I constantly look for cheap real estate to buy in hopes of one day flipping a house, I posted an ad for my planning services on craigslist (what?) and I've completely redirected my thoughts/feelings on the whole marriage issue.

Here's what I believe to be true (feel free to correct me):

~When I hear things about marriage these days, usually I hear "Marriage is Hard" "Marriage is Work" "The First Year is the Hardest" etc etc (ooh, sign me up!)
~When I counted out my top 10 happiest marriages, 8 of them are second marriages.(so should my first marriage be for money, love, real estate?? anyone know any 80yr olds with a heart condition?)
~I don't know anyone who has been married less than 5 years without kids who are in, what I would consider to be, a happy marriage (please don't be offended if you have been married less than 5 years, this is just me ranting)
~I know more divorced couples with kids than married couples with kids and of those divorced couples, all of them have a child less than 6 years old. (breaks my heart)
~The most interesting shows, books, movies these days tend to involve someone breaking a marriage vow...most of the time its the "i promise to be true to you and only to you."
~I hear so much about infidelity lately that it scares me.
~I, myself, am a product of a blended family.

I could go on and on with wierd facts and figures that I've collected in my wierd littel brain. But the main thing is....there are very few happily married couples out there, even happily married newlyweds! I don't know if thats supposed to scare me away from getting married one day or make me yearn that much more to be one of the happy ones.

Because, I'll be completely honest, I want nothing more than to be a Mom one day. I want to teach them things and take them places and take care of them when they are sick (i recently learned that not all moms do that last one-shame on you!) and watch them grow. I want to share my life with someone who wants to wake up to me in the morning and talk about the weather when we lose our teeth and our kids have moved on. I have no problem working at any issue...in fact, everything I put into my life and my relationships...I put my whole heart in it.

Is it too much to ask to have someone do the same?

My grandparents were married for almost 50 years. They started dating in grade school and breifly broke up at some point during high school or maybe college but lived happily ever after. I want what they had. I think we all do. But I can't help but wonder, if they were to meet in this century.....would a happily ever after still have happened?

We are a different generation playing by a different set of rules. I am constantly amazed at how many selfish people exist in the world today.

I have a quote up on my refridgerator that says "Just because we deserve the best doesn't mean we're entitled to it." I wish I could broadcast that on every tv, radio, billboard and movie screen. People just don't understand how to give.

So for those of you who are lucky enough to find the things that many of us are searching for...I commend you...I applaud you..and I'm jealous as hell of you. And all I ask is that you maintain your title of "happily married couple" for the sake of our pathetic hopes that one day we can join you. Next time he doesn't load the dishwasher or she falls asleep too soon, let it go and cherish the things that they DO, not what they DONT DO.

And for those of you who don't fit into this category...I have two words for you. SHUT UP. You took your vows, you made your promises and now it's time to live up to those. I'm tired of hearing you gripe about money, kids, gas, houses, taxes, jobs, romance, family. Do you see what you have next to you? At one time in your life, you appreciated and respected that person....where is that appreciation now? You can't do anything about the other person, but you can do something about yourself. Be the spouse that you want to be and I would tend to think that they will too.

So until you all can start behaving better and being something that I want to be, I'm be here in my selfish, non married life waiting.....for what? I'll let ya know.

Rut Roh

Rut Roh
Ever get stuck in the same mindset? That seems to be my mentality this week. Maybe it's because I'm really looking forward to the weekend and so the monotony of the work week is getting to me, or maybe because it's raining. (Or maybe it's because our neighbor fell thru our ceiling this weekend and we've had a mess to clean up ever since.)

Regardless, I'm stuck in a rut..going on day 3, and I can't seem to get out of it.

But one thing I've noticed over my long 28 years...If you look forward to the future so much, it makes it harder to enjoy the present and for me, my rut is not enjoying today.

This is something I have always struggled with being the planner that I am. When I was in college, my roommate asked me if I wanted to be married or engaged by the time I graduate and I remember telling her, "No...I don't plan like that, I'm pretty laid back. I don't want to be married or engaged, I just want to know WHO I'm going to marry by the time I graduate."

WOW

What an idiot I was.

I was in a sorority in college and that didn't help things. We had these incredible ceremonies, Candle passes, where you would pass the drop or the engagement ring of the girl who got dropped or engaged. (By the way, getting dropped is when a fraternity boy gives you his greek letter charm on a necklace. It the equivalent of a promise ring) The lights would be out, you'd stand in a circle, pass the candle with the ring or drop tied by a ribbon and the girl who's ring or drop it was would blow out the candle. The diamond would sparkle in the candle light and we'd all be jealous as hell and hope it wasn't that beeotch who got engaged. Everyone would shreik with excitement and congratulate the gal.

SERIOUSLY!?!?! What are we doing to ourselves. These girls are probably not even 21 years old and getting engaged before they graduate and have their first job!! And we're encouraging this?? Do we later have the candle pass where you tie the divorce papers to the candle and the lucky ex-wife blows out the candle?

I too have been guilty of asking the high school student or college student what they want to do with their life. How are they supposed to know? How many people do you know that are actually using their degree?? My brother has a history degree and he works in Advertising. This is the case with most people I know. We train our youth to set goals and achieve them but we're training them to think SO far in advance. I think very few people actually know what they want to do with their life when they pick their college major or even their college of choice. I didn't know what I wanted to do...heck, I still don't. But I'm learning things that I don't want to do and other things that I enjoy doing. I think it's a process, not a plan.

I remember the scene from "Never Been Kissed" where Drew Barrymore is a reporter who has gone undercover as a high school student. Her gym coach tells her "if you don't pass gym, you'll never get into college" and she tells her coach, "you guys are still telling that lie?"

I guess my point is that everyone has expectations and hopes for the future. And I believe that when someone asks you about your future, they genuinely hope that you're happy and that exciting things are happening in your life. But so many of us put so much emphasis on hopes, expectations, goals and measuring life from major event to major event, that we miss the greatness of today.

Take time to stop and smell the roses. If you can't find any, come to my house, Memaw would be proud...mine have two pink blooms at the top...I think that's a good sign.

"Again"

This word has developed into one of my favorite words and holds a sweet place in my heart.

*Disclaimer: What you are about to read is emotional in nature and the pure definition of girlie. I do not claim any responsibility for a warm, mushy feeling inside, smile on the face, sigh or even the response of "awww". If you feel you may be subject to this response, save yourself.*

Last night, my sweet Ryan did one of my favorite things....we were supposed to go on a walk which we usually do in the evenings with the dogs and my lazy self fell asleep while watching the reunion finale of Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew. When I woke up at midnight, I immediately felt guilty for not following thru on my promise to go on a walk with him. I quietly made my way into the kitchen for some water and tip toed back into the living room. I apologized sweetly and told him I was going to bed. After a kiss goodnight, he said one of my new favorite words, "again."

A smile immediately came across my face because this told me two things. 1) I was not in trouble for falling asleep and 2) he wanted another kiss.

Now, I usually consider myself a pretty tough, accomplished gal but when he says this, I just melt. He can make this educated, established almost 28yr old and turn her into a 13yr old nervous teenager with braces, giggling at the sight of the cute boy in the class.

And my favorite part?? The second kiss is always better, never stop with the first kiss AGAIN!!!