Defeat or Growth? You decide.

Still alive...still hanging in there...in fact, I think I've adapted well to "survival mode." And I'm not afraid to say it, I'm pretty darn proud of myself.

Next Sunday is my 29th birthday. Up until today, I really hadn't thought about it as a celebration. For the first time on my birthday, I'm not in a place where I thought I could be proud of myself. I don't have a career...in fact, I don't really have a job. I'm not working toward anything in my relationship, heck, we don't even see eye to eye at this point. I'm not independent. And for once, I don't think I consider myself a role model for anything other than "what not to do."

But then I got to thinking. I'm surviving. I think a lot of people would've given up by now, but I haven't yet. And in fact, I'm not even so fragile that people have adjusted how they are around me. I still have friends coming to ME for advice, the only difference is that I'm leaning back on them more than ever.

And perhaps the most amazing thing is that I feel stronger with each passing day.

I've had this amazing thing happen to me in the last month, horrible but amazing....I have been attacked. Not physically, but emotionally and psychologically by another person. Now granted, that is a dramatic term but when someone knows their actions will hurt another person and continues to do them, I consider that an attack.

I generally consider myself a good person so it's been hard to understand why I've been the target and I've almost let it get the best of me. I've done everything I can to learn anything and everything about my attacker and monitored them in any way and every way possible. I felt that this was my own way of protecting myself. And I felt exhausted and emotionally sabotaged.

But this week, I decided that it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what malicious or vindictive reasons people have to do bad things. What matters is how you let those decisions affect you (affect or effect??? i dont remember). In the last few days I realized that I'm not going to let it affect me anymore. I can't control what other people do, all I can control is myself.

And I choose to be a better person. I choose to make the right decisions, I choose to let a higher power handle it. Because my job, the only full time job I have right now, is to be good. To be strong. To survive. Dramatic, I know....but just go with me on this.

So to this person, I forgive you, even though you haven't asked for it nor do you probably want it. I will pray for you to have the same "awakening" as I have had this week. And I pray that you get what it is that you desire so badly. Because for me, it's not about what I desire anymore, it's about what I need. And I've realized that I have everything that I truly need and those things cannot be taken away. So I will be okay no matter what desires you try to take from me....even if you succeed.

And next Sunday, on my 29th birthday, I will be proud of the person that I have become. A person who is constantly evolving, constantly trying to be a better version of herself, and more recently...a person who takes a deep breath...forgives without stipulations...and moves on.