The making of Me.

So I've ventured away from really writing about the yucky love stuff in order to appeal to a more diverse audience of readers. But who am I kidding, every female has stories to tell so I thought it was time to tell mine. You see, when I write about yucky love, I want it to be funny, entertaining, real and give hope to others. And initially, the only way I thought I could do that was to tell the ultimate love story (with me as the leading lady) and the fairy tale ending we all grew up learning about, thus giving hope that everyone can be as happy as me (ok...you can all stop laughing at me now.) But I don't have that story to tell you.

And then I realized, even though my story is far from perfect, it's truly real and I think it can be funny, entertaining, real and I maybe give hope that we all go thru these hardships and that it's ok. So here goes.

I have been in love 3 different times in my life: Steven, Ben, and Current BF (names have all been changed). (ok really i've been in love hundreds of times...chocolate, michael buble songs, snow skiing, etc... but this is just about being in love with the opposite $ex so go with it.)

Steven.
I was in high school and funny enough, I thought I had already been in love before him (I hadn't). I don't really know how we met, but he was a senior when I was a junior and I became the girl who wore his letter jacket. I was blissfully happy. It was the time of the innocent love...we were each others first everything and experiencing life together was everything I'd imagined. We didn't do the break up & get back together thing, we just stayed together....for 3 1/2 years! And to be honest, I can't even remember why we ended up breaking up in the end. What I do remember is that it seemed to fizzle and he broke up with me and instead of grieving over that loss, I made the most of my time and quickly found someone new.....Ben. (There's more to Steven's story...stay tuned)

Ben and I met in college about a minute after Steven broke up with me (well, maybe more like a week). We immediately hit it off and started to date. When Steven got word of this, he came back and wanted me again. I quickly turned my nose up to him with a "you snooze you lose" attitude and focused on Ben. Ben was younger than me and wanted to learn what I had to teach him, haha. We got serious quickly and I felt powerful being the older/wiser of the two. I broke up with him after 2 months for about 8 hours...(it was during summer finals, i was stressed and ridiculous and I don't remember why I did it). When I realized I was being dramatic, I went looking for him. When I found him he was in his yard kissing another girl and there was an empty wine bottle on the table. I ran from his house in tears, making it known that I was there so he would see me and come running after me realizing his mistake. Only, he didn't. I ran to the comfort of Stevens arms who was still there for me, but thankfully, I didn't confuse the situation more and Steven and I just stayed friends. The new semester was starting so I felt I had a fresh start.

As soon as school started, Ben came back....begging me. He sent me the most incredible arrangement of roses that I have ever seen to this day. They were salmon pink and so big I thought they were tulips. He romanced me in every way possible to get me back and I eventually gave in. He promised nothing happened with the slut I saw him kissing. (sorry, couldn't resist) After a month he came clean and admitted that he cheated...of course, it was followed by Ross Geller's famous line, "we were on a break" and the only break I validated was my heart breaking.

I stayed with him and I thought about him cheating every day for 6 months. Eventually it became every other day and after a good while, I could go a week without thinking about it. Our relationship healed and we were having a great time...planning a future together. Fast forward 2 years and 9/11 happened. Everything that was secure in my life suddenly seemed upside down. Ben decided to study abroad and I was devastated. We decided that we didn't want to be apart so he asked me to go with him and I did. I think 9/11 had that affect on so many people. Don't get me wrong, I loved him, but I was so terrified of losing him after that...I almost didn't want him to be out of my sight! But, going abroad was the best decision I could've made and I wouldn't have considered it had it not been for Ben. My time there was incredible. When we returned, he proposed in front of my entire family and I happily accepted. This was it! We started planning the wedding, picked out our kids names and lived happily ever after.

That's how I thought this story would end.

After we got engaged, I found a great job that I loved while starting my senior year (5th year, haha) and I began working alot. He was also working but after missing work for the 5th day from playing Halo and losing his license for too many speeding tickets, he got fired. He then starting hanging with friends and met a friend of a friend. Oh yeah, did I mention this friend was a girl? She was from my hometown, 4 years younger than me, played all the same sports, involved in all of the same things. She was ME, just 4 years younger, I call her Mini Me. I challenged this friendship and was told that he wanted to hang out with me during the day but I was too busy working. Gee, how selfish of me! He broke up with me in the middle of a college football game and we decided to take Thanksgiving break to think about if we wanted to be together. When I returned, I told him I wanted to be with him and he told me that she'd shopped with him during the break and she encouraged him to buy cargo pants and he liked that. Weird, right? (back story is we were both about to graduate and I was encouraging him to spend his $ on clothes for upcoming interviews instead of yet another pair of those pants where you'd unzip them below the knee and ABRACADABRA! they were shorts.) Anyhow, as I'm sure you can imagine, it was a very NASTY break up. He tried to call the cops on me for breaking and entering when I was moving out and tried to sue me to get the ring back. It was BAD.

When it was over, I called Steven. He'd since graduated and moved away and was there for me yet again. I realized that I'd never gotten over Steven and now I had 2 lost loves to mend from. I swore off dating until I knew what I wanted. Six months later, after graduation, I left my pain behind me and happily moved away, excited for the next chapter of my life. (Ben and Mini Me continued dating for a few years and eventually broke up, I don't know if he cheated or not...and I don't care).

After about a year of living in a new city, I thought I was ready to move on.

I was working a great job that paid me nothing but had great potential and was really fun. I dated here and there, mostly first dates, but dates none the less. I'd put Ben behind me and Steven and I were still friends. We'd considered giving it another go but we never acted on it. Then one day, I get a call from Steven's new girlfriend. She hates me and decides to involve me in one of their fights...it was a ridiculous few days...and then, after all of those years, Steven and my friendship was over. I had nothing to do with it, I hadn't even really talked to him in awhile, but she was insanely jealous of our friendship and hated me. And to be honest, what girl hasn't been jealous of her guy's ex....I thought she was a crazy psycho but kinda understood at the same time. She'd given him an ultimatum and he chose her. I was ok with that and wished them both well...I don't think she believed me but thats ok. They've since married and are really happy...or at least I've heard.

Moving on, I was working my new job after getting my promotion and I get a random voicemail one day. My boss had forwarded me a new business call and it's Ben's sister. She works in the same industry and just happened to need my company's services and I just happened to be the next one on the new business call in list. I went to my boss and asked to have someone else work the account and was quickly denied and told to grow up. I stared at the phone for 30 minutes before I finally called her back. I focused on the work and nothing but the work and then she asked, "how are you?"

Sh*t! Sh*t! Sh*t!

This is the moment when you need to be happily married with baby on the way, ridiculously wealthy, world traveled, successful and have lost 20 pounds. I was none of those things. I didn't have a husband (I hadn't had a date in 6 months), I was living paycheck to paycheck, hadn't been on vacation since college when my parents paid for it, I was still trying to figure out what the heck I was supposed to do in my career and the weight....well, that's none of your business but lets say the weight listed on my drivers license was WAY off!

I'm proud to say that I was positive, honest, not embellishing too much, but emphasizing whatever highlights I could think of. I then asked how she was and she told me 2 seconds about herself and then had verbal diarrhea about Ben. Oh, And guess what? He's married. Oh, And guess what? They have a daughter. Oh, And guess what? He named her the name we'd picked to name our first daughter (first AND middle name, WTF?) Oh and these names were not just Kate Ann, etc. These were NOT run of the mill names and I PICKED THEM OUT!!!! Oh, And guess what? His sister emailed me pictures.

KILL. ME. NOW.

What did I do wrong here? I took the necessary time to get over this relationship! I learned the lessons! I cried the tears! I paid the price already!! Why is it that now, more than 3 years later...I'm still getting hit by this?

After I sufficiently emailed every person that has known me since that time and had all of the, "you are NOT going to believe this" conversations, I let it go (or so I thought). I'd wanted to name my daughter that name since I was in high school, but it's ok. I decided it would be good to email him to say congratulations. (Seriously, Megster, you should have medicated me to prevent this) I thought I was being a mature adult...I told him I was thankful that he realized before the wedding that I was not the right person for him, I applauded his honesty (laugh) and I was happy to see that he was doing so well (gag). I acknowledged that it was a bad breakup and I was sorry for the mutual hurt but I really wished him nothing but the best.

He never responded.

After a month of convincing myself that I was ok...I think I finally was.

Then, almost a year later, thru a series of coincidences, I met my current BF. I say "current" because I have no open registries with this man. That being said, I have every intention of not screwing this up and hopefully, one day, we'll get to point and shoot that gun at things that we don't need but want others to buy us. I won't go into the story with current BF because I don't really like to start too many stories where I don't know the ending. But I'm happy and healthy and hopeful for the future.

I believe that we learn something with every relationship we have...be it occupational, friendship, romantic, etc. With Steven, I learned how to be a girlfriend (and how not to be), how innocent love is and how romantic it can be. I learned how important family is and I learned that there was someone I was supposed to become, not just someone I thought I should be. And most importantly, I learned that I had so much left to learn. With Ben, I learned how to fight to the death and win, I learned whats really important to me and whats not. I learned that I never want to be with someone who doesn't believe in our lord, I learned that culture is a beautiful thing, and I learned to trust my instincts and listen to my mother. I learned about another side of the world and I learned what I didn't want for the rest of my life. And most importantly, I finally learned how to let go.

When I started dating my current BF, I took what I learned and put it into action. Here are a few of my favorites:

~Since I knew how to fight and win, I decided that it wasn't winning or losing that's important, it's about learning and growing together.
~Since I knew how to be romanced, I decided I wanted to learn how to be romantic in HIS eyes, not just what I thought was romantic.
~Since I learned how important family can be, I decided to open my arms to his family in hopes that one day they will do the same.
~Since I knew that having the same faith was so important to me, I learned to make a mental memory of how special it meant the first time he said that he prays for us.

And now, I've realized that the hardest thing I've ever had to learn, but the most important thing to put into action was to have faith. That even if MY ending isn't how I've always pictured it....it's going to be better than I expected. Even if I go thru hardships along the way, I'll learn from them and use those lessons as I continue on this thing we call life.

My hopes in sharing these memories with you is that someone out there might read this and identify with it. Hopefully use it to keep going, use it to realize that it's not the fairy tale that we ultimately want...it's the reality. We want someone to love us because of our flaws, not in spite of them. And for that, I'm not afraid to admit mine.

Maybe that's optimism, maybe that's faith...mainly, its just me.