Where to start, are you ready for this? Bear with me as this could be long but definitely worth it!
So being the responsible adult that I am, I decided that since we have a new insurance company thru work and I'm focused on getting and staying healthy this year, I decided to see a doctor today.
Now, it's been 5 years since I've seen a real doctor (i prefer the quick fix of Care Now clinics) and at least 10 years since I've had a physical so it was definitely time. Plus I had a migraine over a week ago for the first time and I have asthma.
I was referred to this doctor by a coworker who also had migraines but this guy is her G.P.
So I arrive 15 min early to fill out paperwork and am greeted by a man in a turbin (sp?) and a family of 12 waiting in the waiting room. It resembles an airport in a foreign country as their are bags everywhere and I can't understand what anyone is saying. The receptionist tells me that they are doing physicals for a family who is going thru the immigration process.
They call me back and take my height/weight (lost 5 lbs, and i'm somehow 1 in. shorter). The dr. comes in and is going over my medical history. He sets his blackberry on the table and asks me a few questions. It goes a little something like this:
dr: hi mary, so glad to have you, how can i help you today? i see you're here for a physical.
mc: yes sir, i haven't had one in years and had what i think was a migraine a few weeks ago and i'm on my last inhaler.
dr: ok great. so when was your last physical
mc: oh probably 10 years ago when i
dr: *interrupting me and speaking into what i thought was his blackberry* new page, subject mary ________, 28 years old, last physical was 10 years ago when she *presses stop* mary, did you go to college?
mc: yes sir, texas tech
dr: went to texas tech period (yes, he said period) and you said you have asthma?
mc: yes, when i exercise
dr: *record* mary has E I Asthma and controls it with....*stop*
mc: albuterol inhaler
This continues for about 20 min. I'm trying to answer his questions, he randomly starts dictating into his little recorder. saying words like "period, return, comma, new paragraph" etc.
He asks me when my last annual was with an OBGYN, I tell him it was over a year ago and he takes me to the lab to do bloodwork.
When I return back to my room the nurse instructs me to take everything off and put on the paper gown (oh-so-stylish). I say to her "everything?" she says "yes".
He comes back in with another nurse and has me lay down so he can turn my head 40 different ways to see if it hurts (it did). tells me i have tension headaches not migraines because of bad posture (great).
This next section all happened in about 25 seconds. He walks to the end of the table and grabs my ankles, picks them up and shoves them toward my hiney, spreads them out and pulls out magic sturrups that apparently came out of his freaky transformer exam table. WHAAAAAAAAT. He spread my knees apart and whips out a speculum. *fuuuuuuuuuuuck* (flashback to the time my OBGYN told me just to imagine that it's a duck bill......wtf?)
Lets go back a second, shall we? I'm here for a physical as I haven't had one in years. Um...does anyone else know of a phyical that involves a speculum??
Okay, so i look over at the nurse with a look of horror in my eyes and she smiles at me. He's now asking me about what I do for a living and other things but at this point I don't remember anything. I think he listened to my breathing and looked in my ears but its all a blur.
He hands me a kleenex box, tells me to get dressed and he'd be back in a minute. Again, no recollection of our conversation after this. I go up to the front desk, hand them my chart and say "can i ask you something? what type of exam did you have me down for today?" she says "well woman exam" i walk out the door.
Note to self: Clarify excessively when scheduling and appointment with your doctor.
I had NO IDEA that general practice doctors could even do that type of exam much less have transformer tables that morph into a woman's worst fear.
they have support groups for people like me, right?
3 comments:
Thank you for finally blogging. Now I have a reason not to work. Excuse me while I actually read it now.
Sometimes, there just isn't an APPROPRIATE response. In which case, I've got nothing but HOLY JESUS SWEET SACRILEGE that doctor should be shot! Doesn't he know that transcribing with patient is BAD FORM??? Besides, he should have gathered from your medical history that you are all set with a lady dr., thank you very much. That is all.
Cheese and Rice MC.. Better you than me, however, once you travel down the road of being pregnant, you really don't care who goes where, or who sees what.. mortally embarrassing, oh just wait.
Jett has NEVER been to the doc in the 8 years we have been together. Matt (remember he lived with us) went and was examed in the butthole and told Jett about it.. so Jett refuses to go now, he is scurd the same thing will happen to him HA. ANd remember he is exit only HA HA
Post a Comment