I'm having one of those rare moments when both of my children are resting....AT THE SAME TIME. I found myself thinking, "what do I do now?" and then immediately started laughing at that statement. The reason I laughed is because the answer to that question is ridiculously overwhelming and unending.
I've always struggled when I felt overwhelmed. In college, when everyone else was cramming for exams during "dead week" I found myself out enjoying things. Not because I was overly confident or prepared for the upcoming exams but because the realization of everything I had to do what a bit too much. So what did I do? I decided to do the opposite of prepare.
As the end of the summer is less than a week away, I've found myself doing the exact same thing...not preparing. It's like I'm clinging to my time to be lazy and willing to suffer the consequences later. Like I'm rebelling against the stress and anxiety that I'd probably have if I wrote down the "to do" list swimming in my head.
The end of the summer is an odd mix of feelings for any teacher. On one had we are excited to get started on the classroom and put our summer "pinning" into action, on the other hand we loathe the idea of an alarm clock, coffee on the run, lunch at the printer, only checking email at the end of the day.
This being my first year as a mom of 2 and my first time in the classroom in almost 6 months, these extremes are bigger and since I'm going to a new district, new school, new grade level and new state expectations....well, nervous is the word.
I'm nervous that I won't spend the time I need/they deserve kissing my kids in the morning, dressing them, making them a healthy breakfast and sending them to "school" confident and ready. I'm nervous that if I do spend that time with them that then my students and my teaching will suffer. I'm nervous about the evenings and getting the nighttime routine down so that they don't stay up until all hours of the night (even though that means less time with them). I'm nervous about overwhelming my husband with "my needs" now that I'm working and being able to ask for help. I'm nervous about our high maintenance dog and what the heck we're going to do with him.
But with all that nervousness, I'm thankful.
I've learned with our son and being home these past 6 months that I'm not cut out to be a stay at home mom, at least not right now. I don't have the discipline or the budget to do it.
My time at home consisted of many extremes. Either I'd go too long without showering or putting on a bra or I'd have my kids in the car for too long and we'd spend too much $ and come home tired and cranky. Add in some post partum hormones, potty training, teething and moving and you've had a crazy 1/2 year.
I won't lie, when we moved to this house and had our son, I prayed that my husband would bring up the idea of me staying at home full time. I didn't want to bring it up because he is a "fixer" and would find a way to make it work, but I wanted it to be a joint decision rather than finding a way. Ultimately because I carry the insurance for the kids and myself, I decided to accept a position closer to home.
This was the right decision for me and for our family.
What I've come to realize is that there's no "right way" to be a mom. A stay at home mom isn't a better mom, a working mom isn't a better mom, a single mom isn't a better mom...what makes a mom great is how she loves her kids. As much as I wish that I had what it takes to stay home with them and teach them, nurture them, cook/clean/drive and provide for them all of the time, I've realized that I will still do that...just during different hours. I can still be a great mom to them and hopefully a great teacher to other kids.
I just want to give a shout out to moms...all moms. Being a mom is an amazingly challenging and rewarding job and you're doing an incredible job....all of you.
And as I transition from a stay at home mom back to a working mom, I'm going to try to be less nervous, more loving and remember that I'm still a great mom...even if my kids socks don't match or their lunch is missing a food group. I'm going to go put on some motivation oils and maybe do some laundry until they wake up....(or maybe I'll watch Bachelor in Paradise).
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